Happy New Year

"They say 3% of people use 5-6% of their brain,
97% use just 3% and the rest goes down the drain,
I'll never know which one I am,but I'll bet you my last dime,
99% think we're 3% 100% of the time!

They say 65% of all statistics are made up right there on the spot,
82.4% of the people believe them whether they're accurate statistics or not,
Now I don't know what you believe but I do know there's no doubt,
I need another double shot of something 90-proof,
I've got too much to think about!

Too much to think about,
too much to figure out
Stuck between HOPE and DOUBT,
It's too much to think about.

The average bank robber lives within say 20 miles of the bank he robs,
There's this little bank not so far from here I've been watching now for a while
Seems like lately all I can think about is how bad I want to go out in style.

Too much to think about,
too much to figure out
Stuck between HOPE and DOUBT,
It's too much to think about."

Statistician's Blues --Todd Snider

I'm not entirely sure where I'm headed with this one, so hang on tight, this ride may get a little bumpy. . .

Someone far more intelligent than I once said something to the effect of: "The longest distance a man will ever travel is the 18 inches between his head and his heart." (I wish I knew who to attribute that quote to, and if you know, please let me know immediately.) It seems I'm having trouble traveling that 18" these days. Lots of trouble.

My head is telling me I'll never see her again. My head tells me every single minute of every single hour of every single day that I will never see her again, never breathe the same air in the same room, never laugh out loud simultaneously during a movie that isn't even that funny. . . ever again. Apparently, my heart hasn't gotten the message. I don't know if the line is busy or if there is even a permanent disconnect. Man I hope there isn't a permanent disconnect.

Why is it so hard for me to convince one that the other is inherently wrong at this point? I should be able to convince myself of the truth (but which is the truth?). Will I see her again, or is my head correct?

I must change the subject before I scream. . .

Last night, I found myself sitting in a bar in Charlotte, NC full of belligerent incoherent drunks wishing like hell I was right there at that very moment (yes you read that correctly), but I wanted to swap out many of the attendees. . .and replace some of them with different people (mostly you if you're reading this). I was there with Raffy and Alissa (from Campbell), some of Alissa's friends from 'Jersey (Heather and Nicole to be exact--in order from left to right is Heather, Nicole, and Alissa).

There were certainly parts of yesterday evening that I wish were dramatically different, but at 1:30 a.m., I think my life changed. I was sitting on a bar stool fighting away the "sleep-ies," and the jukebox began playing a familiar tune. . .

"I have climbed the highest mountain
I have run through the fields
Only to be with you
Only to be with you. . ."

It occurred to me, that I, "still haven't found what I'm looking for." See? I told you it was going to be a bumpy ride. Hang on.

I sat there, on a bar stool, leaning over a warm beer that had been warm for almost an hour, looking at an unfinished tray of chicken wings, and trying to figure out how I had gotten "here." How on earth had I arrived at this point in my life? How had I let myself get to this point? How could I possibly have gotten to the point where I required so much humbling? Will I ever recognize the point that God is trying to push through my thick skull?

Looking back, I think my favorite moments of 2006 were the last 10 seconds of it. Standing there, with a ridiculous party hat on my head, a plastic glass of "Sparkling Wine" in one hand, and my other raised above my head in some sort of celebratory count-down maneuver, I watched the last 10 seconds of the worst year of my life fade away. . . 2006 became a part of my past and I can't tell you how happy I am to say that out loud. In one year I lost a job, lost a love, lost an apartment, lost my "way of life," and moved back in with my parents. 2006 treated me like a baby treats a diaper, and I am glad to see it gone. I'm glad to date all my checks with a new number at the end (not that I have any money to write checks with). I was glad to wake up today to a whole new beginning in a whole new year.

Even with the brand new year, the simple fact remains. . . "I still haven't found what I'm looking for." I haven't found it because I haven't looked like I'm supposed to. I have spent my life looking in all of the wrong places. I have spent my hours working towards goals that have no eternal hope. I have pursued things that will never last. I have tried time and time again to tell myself that I am centered on Christ. Am I?

I can't lie to you and say yes. I'm trying.

This year will be different. I'm not making any resolutions. I don't believe in them. I'm just making a commitment to myself.

"This year's love better last,
heaven knows it's high time,
I've been waiting on my own too long."

So help me God (and that's a prayer. . .), this year, I'm gonna find what I'm looking for. I'm gonna start, and finish in the right place.Ω