evenin'

Good evening. I'm sorry for letting the days pass between posts. I appreciate the friendly reminders to post (as well as the not so friendly kicks in the pants). I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas as I know I did.

I'm headed to Charlotte this weekend for new year's eve. I will be staying with Raffy (the man, they myth, the legend). Our friend from college Alyssa will be there with some friends of her's. We plan on just hanging out on Raffy's porch with a fire pit and chillin'. No "First Night Charlotte" for us. We may make our way down to the Three Monkeys (about a mile from Raffy's house), but most likely it will be low key at best. I've been commanded by Alyssa to bring my guitar just so I can play "All Along the Watchtower" for her. I told her I'd see what I could do.

I'm gonna miss you Pittsburghers this new year. Chris will be throwing his annual shindig, and I will miss the top of Bo's car (I'm sure Bo's wife Kelly is thankful for that).

I've been spending my evenings reading, and I'm deeply involved in an incredible book called "Why my wife thinks I'm an idiot: the life and times of a sportscaster Dad" by Mike Greenberg (from ESPN's Mike and Mike in the morning). It is unreal. It is hilarious. I suggest it to everyone who watches any sporting event. . .EVER. It is a great read.

Since I've been home, I've read the following:

The Cell--Stephen King (good read)
The Innocent Man--John Grisham (good non-fiction)
The Brethren--John Grisham (good read)
Cross--James Patterson (decent)
Angels and Demons--Dan Brown (blows DaVinci code out of the water--excellent read)

I usually don't finish bad books, but I'll let you know if there is a bad one.

Ya'all be good. I need to get some sleep.Ω

Can a DVD go bad?

If a DVD can go bad, my copy of "A Christmas Story" is truly close. I love this movie. (I say this movie because I'm watching it as I type this blog). "I want an official Red-Rider-Carbine-Action-200-Shot-Range-Model-Air-Rifle." Who, at some point in their life hasn't tried to quote that line (only to realize that there's no way you got it right?)?? I am often tempted to watch this movie at all times during the year. It is simply fantastic.

I'm watching this movie right now because it's about the only thing that actually makes this place feel like Christmas. It's nearly 70 degrees outside during the day (here in North Carolina). I am spending my days in retail hell and my nights consist of sleeping. Other than the Christmas cards that are littering my dresser top (thank you LeCornus [both clans], Leanne, Kidd and Leah, Nannie, and Wyche clan), I can't tell that it's Christmas.

Advent hasn't sunk in, the way I wanted it to and I'm ashamed of that. My friend Katie challenged all of us to prayerfully consider one aspect of our lives that we wanted to contemplate over the season of Advent. We wrote them on sheets of paper, folded them, wrote our names on the outside and stuck them to our Bible study group's Advent wreath. I wrote one word. To this day, I'm not entirely sure why I wrote it. I have contemplated it, I have wrestled with it, I have considered the multiple meanings of it, and I have stayed up looking at my ceiling wondering where God wants me with respect to it. The word is: Worship.

I miss leading worship. I feel like there is a worship sized hole in my heart and everything I am trying to put into it simply isn't cutting it. I need to be playing. I need to be singing. God has given me an incredible gift to lead worship and I am not using it the way I should. I am not using it for Him (which is most likely why it is on my mind like it is). I have used the excuse that, "I just need to participate for a while first." Bullship. (that's the ship they use to transport bulls to market) I'm lying to myself, I'm lying to you, and I'm lying to God. The worst part, and perhaps the largest tragedy, is that I am denying God's people the gift He wants to give them through me. Please understand there is NO conceit when I say that. I truly believe that God has blessed me. I fully believe that he has given me a gift that is supposed to be shared. If it is supposed to be shared, it is for His people. Not using it, I am depriving His people of His intended gifts.

Any ideas? Please don't respond by saying "just go lead worship," because it isn't that easy.

I am brought to tears by the following Third Day song:

"Magnificent, holy father
I stand in awe of all I see
Of all the things you have created
Still you choose to think of me

Who am I that you should suffer
Your very life set me free
The only thing that I can give You
Is the life You gave to me

This is my offering, dear Lord
This is my offering, to You God
I will give You my life
For it's all I have to give
Because You gave Your life for me

I stand before You at this alter
So many have given You more
I may not have much I can offer
Yet what I have is truly Yours

This is my offering, dear Lord
This is my offering, to You God
I will give you my life
For it's all I have to give
Because You gave Your life for me."

I don't have ANYTHING to give right now. I don't have finances. I don't have energy. My spiritual tank is nearly dry. He just wants me. I've got to realize that this Christmas. I just need to see that I'm all He wants and He's all I need.

Peace and love and all good things at Christmas. May the love of Christ surround you during this season when we celebrate His birth.

With that, I'm out. Ω

"such a lonely day. . ."

". . .it's a day that I'm glad I survived."

Today was one of those days that I'm glad to be done with (I strangely feel as though I've posted this before). I truly missed the folks in Pittsburgh today. I neared the end of my 12 hour shift in the "City" and I was overcome with a feeling of loneliness. I just don't feel like I'm making lasting relationships here. I don't know why, and I can't explain it.

I'm sure that it has something to do with spending this weekend in Charlotte with Raffy. I have missed that kid so much. . .to spend the weekend there was awesome (not to mention watching Pittsburgh absolutely crush the Panthers). It was like old times with Raffy. . .and it was all too short.

I guess these feelings are compounded by relational woes. I'm truly inches away from becoming a monk and swearing off of women all together.

I'm still completely heart broken over my last attempt at a sane and healthy relationship, and it isn't something I'm even remotely interested in trying again any time soon. Truth be told, I don't know that I'm really even over the last one. I think it's maybe because there wasn't any real closure, and there still hasn't been. I feel fairly confident that she has moved on to the point of seeing someone else, but who really knows these things (and more importantly who wants to know these things?)?

I'm watching "The Lake House," and clearly between the subject matter and the character choice. . .isn't the movie I should be watching right now.

I feel like banging my head off of a wall.

I need a break. A real break. I want a freaking day or two without thinking of the stuff that consumes me. I'm a selfish jerk. I know this to be true.

I know this is a part of the process. I know that I am still learning. I know that somewhere, somehow, and for some reason, God is teaching me something. I suppose I'm asking for a hand here. Any suggestions? What am I supposed to be learning that I'm clearly leaving out? I'm missing something. Something is being overlooked, and until I see it, until I grasp it, I am going to remain in this cycle. I know this.

I have tomorrow off work and I really want to spend some contemplative time with God. Maybe when you read this you could pray for me.

Love and love. . .I'm out.

__________

Such a lonely day
And it's mine
It's a day that I'm glad I survived

what an interesting time. . .

Have you ever lived a song? I mean lived it out? I think maybe I have. . .

"Girl you're lookin' fine tonight
And every guy has got you in his sight
What you're doin' with a clown like me
Is surely one of life's little mysteries

So tonight I'll ask the stars above
How did I ever win your love
What did I do, what did I say
To turn your angel eyes my way

Well I'm the guy who never learned to dance
Never even got one second glance
Across a crowded room was close enough
I could look but I could never touch

So tonight I'll ask the stars above
How did I ever win your love
What did I do, what did I say
To turn your angel eyes my way

Don't anyone wake me if it's just a dream
Cause she's the best thing that ever happened to me
All you fellows you can look all you like
Well this girl you see, she's leaving here with me tonight

So tonight I'll ask the stars above
How did I ever win your love
What did I do, what did I say
To turn your angel eyes my way"

I love picking up the ball and then dropping the ball only to wonder if I should even attempt to pick it up again. At this point, I'm pretty sure I'm just going to leave it on the playground. I hate games. I don't even like to THINK about playing them.

I just don't understand it. Does anyone?

"If your phone isn't ringing, that's me not calling."

I'm out.

I just had to post this. right now. before going to bed.

"I guess i really don't know what Christmas is all about. ISN'T THERE ANYONE WHO KNOWS WHAT CHRISTMAS IS ALL ABOUT?"
"Sure Charlie Brown, I can tell you what Christmas is all about. Lights please.
'And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger. And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying, Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.'
That's what Christmas is all about Charlie Brown."
"Linus was right, I won't let all this commercialism ruin my Christmas."


Sorry, it's been a very commercial day.

Lord, Humble me. . .

One would think that after a certain amount of "getting" exactly what I prayed for, I would be significantly more careful how and what I pray for.

Alas, you would be wrong.

I prayed that I would be humbled at this point in my life. I prayed that God would strip my pride and would bring me to a place of learning, to a place of true "reception." I must be getting there. I have to be getting there. I'm sure I could moan and complain about my current hourly wage. I'm sure I could moan and complain about working retail at Christmas time (I'm working at Circuit City). I might even be able to complain about standing for 12 hours at a time during my longer shifts. I stress might in all of those circumstances, because truth be told, I can't complain about any of them!

Today, I opened in the imaging department. For those of you who have been into a Circuit City designed in the last 6 years, imaging is just inside the front door (past the registers and customer service). Opening the store in imaging this time of year isn't very much fun because instead of seeing a sign over the department that says "imaging," I truly believe that customers look up and see a sign that says "information." It's a common joke among the guys in the tech department (of which I am a member) that if you're opening and you're in imaging, make sure you know what "hot" items are out of stock in other departments because every customer who walks in the front door is coming to you first, and asking you about ANYTHING.

First thing this morning, I listened as my associates told me about their departments, and Jamie in the "merch" department told me that we are still out of Nintendo Wii's. . . The first customer in the door was twenty-something guy, who under his breath and without making eye contact asked me, "You got any Play Station 3's or Wii's??" This trend continued from customer to customer for a few hours until just before lunch when a frantic woman came up to me out of breath and asked "Any Wii's?" I told her no and she immediately asked, "Do you have any idea when you are getting some in?" I told her that I didn't and she started crying. I didn't know what to do. I asked her if she was ok and she told me that, "My son has been in the hospital for seven months and all he wants for Christmas is a Wii. He actually told me two weeks ago that i didn't need to worry about the Wii because Santa would surely bring him a Wii considering all he had been through for the past few months."

I didn't know how to react.

I still don't.

I've been praying for God to humble me in ways I wanted to be humbled. I wanted to be humbled with respect to my position (employment), my dependence on money and material wealth, etc. As it turns out, I feel like God wants me to see just how wonderful my life is. I have so much. God has given me so much. How can I look at any area of my wonderful life and complain? I can't.

He has humbled me. He continues to do so.

"shake and bake" Ω

______________________
"You hate people!"
"But I love gatherings. Isn't it ironic?"
Randall and Dante

To whom are you accountable?

If you haven't read the third chapter of Daniel, do so before reading this post. That way, my rantings might actually make sense.

So I think I've most likely heard somewhere just north of 50 sermons on the third chapter of Daniel in my lifetime. I've heard tons about Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. I've heard about faith, I've heard about reliance, I've heard about defiance, I've heard about truly standing up for what you believe in, ALL in the name of Christ. It wasn't until just before leaving Pittsburgh that God revealed a totally different side of that passage to me. I was preparing a devotional for the 20-30 something focus team and God showed me about the bond of accountability between SMA. It occurred to me that the story may have been dramatically different were the story about any one of the three (and only about any one of the three).

I can't put myself in any of their shoes and make it work alone. I can't honestly fool myself into thinking that were I alone, in front of King Nebuchadnezzar, that I would have stood my ground and refused to worship his statue for fear of death. Would I have had the courage alone? I don't think so. With Kidd, or Shaw, or Dan, or Greg, or J-Corn, or Mark, or Mike, or, or, or. . . Any of my brothers standing next to me makes me realize I'm not alone, and I have someone "fighting" with me. SMA had that. They had it in each other. The story is truly a story of accountability (just let me bend the scripture please).

This is important to me today because I'm realizing I still haven't established any real pattern of accountability here in Cary. That's what I miss the most from Pittsburgh. I'll admit it. I need it too. I need it badly. I don't have it. . .

My friend Clayton told me that I couldn't just pray for accountability, I had to seek it out. I have been. I've been looking for people to "connect" with. Especially with other men. I sound like a broken record I know, but today when I sat down to open my Bible, it just opened to Daniel 3, and I was reminded of the importance of accountability.

I hope to challenge you. I hope you'll challenge me.

ima go sleep now. that's all i've got for tonight. Ω

Commercialism

I've been learning about The Advent. At Christ Church, evey year, we lit the Advent candles, read verses, and explained why we were even lighting candles at all. . .
I was so fortunate to hear it annually. I was so fortunate to have the opportunity to prepare the way for the coming of Christ. I find myself wondering why I never did.
My good friend Dr. Katie has really taken the lead on helping our entire Ignite group understand the truth behind Advent. It has been challenging to think about how we truly usher in Christ and prepare ourselves for the season in which we celebrate the birth of Christ.
I think about true celebration of Christmas and I realize we aren't even supposed to listen to Christmas carols until after the 25th of December. I don't know. It all seems kind of trite. I mean what we've turned Christmas into.
Well. . .i have to get up early for my thrilling job in retail. . .at Christmas.
Next weekend, I'm in Charlotte for a football game. Pittsburgh style.
Sorry this was so random.

2 posts in 1 day????

I know. . .what the heck is going on?

Yet another thrilling day at the plant (Circuit City). NO, we don't have any Wii's, and NO, we don't have any PlayStation 3's. Actually, we had 4 when we opened. All four had been sold by 10:07 (we open at 10:00). 4 units in less than 10 minutes. That's not too bad huh?

I'm actually writing because I want to talk about Circuit City (as Maria says "A job's a job G"), but instead, a book a finished this evening. I read ANGELS AND DEMONS by Dan Brown (the man who wrote the DaVinci Code). Now, if you haven't read the DaVinci Code or seen the movie and plan on doing either, stop reading, I plan on revealing some things about the plot of that novel, and quite frankly, I don't have the time or the patience, or the energy to black out the text. Just stop reading.

I really enjoyed ANGELS AND DEMONS. Unlike THE DaVINCI CODE, I didn't have to stretch my already overly active imagination to enjoy it. I really had to "work" to read DaVINCI. I can't, for the life of me, even entertain the notion that Christ married and had a child. I, unlike the rest of the "Christian" world, didn't take the book seriously. Never for a second did I see DaVINCI as anything more than a work of fiction, so the story never "bothered" me like it bothered so many. I, knew and accepted that it was truly fiction, and I was able to enjoy it as such. Still, I had trouble with the fact that the story was soooo far-fetched.

ANGELS was different. I just had to accept that science butted heads with the Catholic church. That wasn't too tough. Actually, that wasn't tough at all. The book was well written, the dialogue was good, the story was interesting, and it truly kept my interest (as I read 560+ pages this week).

I've heard some people call Dan Brown's books garbage simply because of their subject matter. That frustrates me. Please, I'm not a supporter of Dan Brown (in so far as controversy goes), but the man wrote a work of fiction. It's with the OTHER fiction books. I've never seen it on the religion shelves of the book store, nor have I ever seen it with other non-fiction books. That being said, I'm still not sure what all the fuss was about. Yes, he did make claims about Christ that were clearly untrue, and people were in an uproar about that, but did Dan Brown ever claim to be speaking the truth?

Christians are so quick to judge. What's wrong with reading Dan Brown's book? I have heard numerous times that Brown's book is wrong because it contradicts the Bible. Hmmmmm. That's an interesting concept. Quick question: What did Judas do with the 30 pieces of silver he received for betraying Christ? Did he buy a field or did he return it to the priests? (Matthew 27:3-5 says he returned it to the priests but Acts 1:17-18 suggests he bought a field). Okay, okay, so that one was a little skewed. . .tricky. Let's try another: Who sold Joseph into captivity? If you answered The Midianites, you would be wrong according to Genesis 39:1, however if you answered according to Genesis 39:1 and said The Ishmaelites, you would be incorrect according to Genesis 37:36 which told us that it was, indeed, the Midianites. Hmmm.

I guess I should say here that I believe the Bible is the inspired word of God. I believe that with my whole heart. I also believe that God put His word in the hands of fallible men. I think the quicker we are to point inward instead of outward we will get so much farther. We turn so many people off because we are SO FAST to call Dan Brown evil because he contradicts what we believe, but we contradict what we believe. We do it with our lives, and we do it with our words, and we aren't even clear with our Bible.

I don't know. I just get annoyed with how quick we are to judge others. Somewhere, there was even a verse about a speck of saw vs. a plank or something like that.

Look, I know I'm ranting, and I'm more than exhausted. I hope you guys are doing well. I hope you also know my words are not to tear down my beliefs (or yours) but to build up. I just want to encourage you. . .and me. . .to be more accepting. . .never wavering on our own beliefs, but understanding others'. I guess that's all I've got for tonight. Ω

First thing's first. . .

Good morning! It's been a while since I've blogged, and several of you have e-mailed me and yelled at me for neglecting this. . .I am truly sorry. A BIG thank-you to those of you who stay on my case about this, I'm honored you want to read what I have to say.

I'm quasi short on time this morning as I have to get ready to go to work (yes, I did say work) at Circuit City. I am classified as a seasonal technology department product specialist. Basically, I sell computers (laptop and desktop), all computer related products, cameras, camcorders, and anything else in the store my customer may want. It's a job, and it's honestly interesting. I don't make much money, but the hours are flexible and will allow me to finish my master's degree (while still making money).

So, I've been working my face off lately and not much else. Being on your feet for a 10-12 hour shift is no fun. . .I don't know how ER doctors do it (of course they make a little more money).

Here are a few things i've learned in my tenure thus far:
1. If you want a Wii and you don't have one yet, you aren't getting one any time soon. Last Sunday we had 24 for sale and they were all accounted for by people camping outside of our store or people getting there early to claim a Wii ticket voucher (good for purchase inside).
2. Circuit City's extended warranty's are actually worth buying. The "accidental" warranty on cameras actually covers "drops." How cool is that?
3. The Sony PlayStation 3 sucks. Our "demo" machine has broken down 3 times in the week i've been employed there. That isn't good odds. I don't care that we leave it on all day. . .we do the same thing with the XBox 360 and it hasn't broken down in the year they've had it in the store.
4. Computer monitors are really expensive.
5. Circuit City employees don't get very good discounts in the store. Our best prices are already on the floor, and employees don't do much better (maybe 10-20% on non sale items. . .and it's much closer to 10%). That's okay because I don't have any money to spend any way.
6. I want to take a trip to New Jersey.
7. It's not okay to hit a customer. Don't ask me how I know this, just trust me that it's not okay to do this.

I miss you guys, and I'm coming back to Pittsburgh for a weekend in Jan. Seriously, it's right around the corner.

Be good, write soon and often. I love hearing from you.

I need to get in touch with Kent C. If anyone has his physical address please e-mail it to me.Ω