winter passing. . .

I suppose I could start out by making a half-hearted apology for failing to blog as often as I once hoped I could, and once swore I would, but it would be trite and contrived. It would sound that way too.

I was in Pittsburgh last weekend. It was wonderful. I have to say that I loved seeing J-Kidd and Leah as a couple. It dawned on me that it had been a while since I had seen that. I mean really seen that. I am so proud of the two of them and I am amazed by their endurance. There are times when you look at couples and you know that, "it's just right." This is clearly one of those times for me. Through all of the ups and downs I have always felt like they were so wonderful for each other. They both brought each other to different levels of "living." It was always so beautiful to see, and it is amazingly beautiful to see it again. It really makes me happy.

Maybe that's why I have found this past week so difficult. Maybe seeing Leah and Kidd so happy together and seeing Raffy enter a relationship with Alyssa (who saw that coming?!?) is what has made me so reflective so suddenly. I'm reflecting on her again. (Or on you if you happen to be stealing bandwidth and happen to be reading this--but I feel fairly safe in realizing you aren't doing either).

During Bible Study this week, we decided to just talk. We went around the room and talked about what was going on in each others' lives. I talked about her. I had been struggling with it since arriving back from Pittsburgh. I can't get her out of my mind.

I keep thinking about all the "what-ifs" in my life. She is hands down the biggest what-if I ponder. I had decided that I was going to be over it all. Through an entire week of absolute hell, I made up my mind that I wasn't going to deal with it any longer. I went to bed on Thursday night and actually kept myself up knowing that I wasn't going to hear from her ever again. I've tried my best to not call her (for the past couple of weeks I've managed to keep my self just busy enough to accomplish that Everest-esque feat). When I woke up on Friday morning, I felt like I was going to be ok with the whole situation. I felt like I might be able to move on. I felt like I had possibly given myself the permission I was seeking to move past the hurt. I felt like I might have gotten to the point where I could tell myself I wasn't in love anymore. I didn't love her any longer (no matter how untrue that statement happened to be).

The snow in my little globe had finally settled. I had grown accustomed to the chaos inside my head and finally realized that nobody was shaking my world any longer. In truth, it wasn't that the snow settled. The snow hadn't settled at all. I was so used to seeing the swirling snow that it became my normalcy. The snow just resumed it's normal agitated state. It started when she called. I was at work and my phone started vibrating in my waist. It isn't a new occurrence, and normally I don't even pay it much mind. This time was different. I pulled it off my waist to see her right foot (that's the picture that shows up when she calls).

My heart sped up and my mind began to race. The snow actually stopped. I could barely breathe. I couldn't even get the words "I'm going to have to call you later" out of my mouth. My mind raced. It's still racing.

We talked tonight. I am so not over this. I am so not over her.

Is the snow churning right now or has it stopped?

Am I losing my mind or am I becoming more sane by the second?

Who knows.

I certainly don't.

Ω