heart in hand. . .

Ok, ok, ok, ok. . . .

I'm beyond frustrated.

My head hurts, my eyes hurt, i've been in some sort of training session all day. . . "training." HA!! AND, to top it all off, apparently I'm simply a little school girl.

I'm not the one who is supposed to be a little girl.

I could have gone all day without knowing that Wednesday is D-day. At least it's my day off. At least I'll be able to think about that all day. All day long. Awesome.

It could only be made better were I to know the exact moment it hit the mail box. Maybe the postmaster could call me and tell me it's happened.

Why on earth am I doing this to myself?

And I'm out,

Ω

lost in translation

I'm not sure why that's an appropriate title for this blog, it just felt right. I continue to get comments and e-mails indicating that you all are still reading this blog, and to say that I'm blown away by that.

I've always said that I never wanted to write these to be "read" and I know that is unavoidable. Of course I'm writing these to be read, but now I know for a fact that they're being read by she. That is slightly disconcerting and overwhelmingly comforting simultaneously. So if you're stealing bandwidth and reading this. . .hi. . .how are ya? I miss you.

I'm currently watching Pirates 3: At World's End. Thus far, I'm digging it. I'm watching it FAR later than I wanted to. You see, several months ago, I was positive that this third and final installment had already been released on DVD, so I added the second installment to my Blockbuster que and thought that when I finished watching it, I would simply take it to my nearest Blockbuster and get the third. That didn't so much work out for me as when I took the film to Blockbuster, I was informed that the third was at least a month away from release. So, I was dismayed that I would not be finishing the trilogy that evening. I am also dismayed now that I have discovered I have no idea what the hell is going on. It's pretty clear that they filmed the second two movies in succession (and simultaneously), but the story isn't as congruent from the second to the third as it was from the first to the second. I'm confused. Something has been lost in translation for me. Ahhhhhh. . .there it is. . .there's the rationale behind the title.

I tend to like these films, and they're a little crazy, which means I think I like them more. . .


untill then. . .i'm out,

Ω

i'm waking up

"When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part
You roll out of bed and down on your knees
And for a moment you can hardly breathe
Wondering: was she really here?
Is she standing in my room?
No, she's not...
'Cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The giving up is the hardest part
She takes you in with her crying eyes
Then all at once you have to say goodbye
Wondering, could you stay my love?
Will you wake up by my side?
But she can't...
'Cause she's gone gone gone gone gone

Now do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
Do I have to fall asleep with roses, with roses in my hand?
And would you get them if I did?
No you won't...
'Cause you're gone gone gone gone gone

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part"

I can't thank you guys enough for the comments and especially e-mails regarding my last few posts. I can't take credit for the recent lyrics. The last bit was Death Cab for Cutie, and the above lyrics are a John Mayer song that I've been listening to relentlessly for the last few months, and apparently it has gotten a quite a bit of air play. I'm not posting it because it's on the radio, I'm posting it because it's pretty much where I am right now.

I must have said something the other day on the phone because I got the, "I have to go." That's the story of my life. The absolute starting, middle point, and final page of my life.

The truth of the matter is, "she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone." Absolutely. Gone.

Again.

How do I combat that? Is there anything that I can say, do, or think to make something different? Absolutely not.

The job search is going right along. I wish I could say I was encouraged by the process, but I'm not really there yet. I have to start using my MBA.

I'm not very good at asking for prayer. But I need to get there. I would like to ask you to pray for me. I would like you to pray very specifically for the following: my walk, my job search, my health, and love. Pray that, "His will be done." Please.

and with that, I'm, "gone, gone, gone, gone, gone. . ."

Ω

Goodbyes. . .

"The goodbyes we speak and the goodbyes we year are the
goodbyes that remind us we're alive, after all."

I'm really tired of goodbyes.

Tonight, I said goodbye to yet another NFL season. I mean by conventional standards, the season isn't over for there are still games. I mean the playoffs are still in full swing, teams are still playing games, and there will be winners and losers, but for the Steelers, the season is over and that means it is over for me as well.

It is pathetic to me that we couldn't stop a quarterback who played college ball at ECU. East Carolina University. One of Playboy Magazine's top party schools in the country. I'm not a real big fan of David G's right now. Sorry. I'm bitter.

Did you know that Hunter S. Thompson killed himself several years ago and cited the fact that "football season is over," as being a reason for his sudden demise?

I'm not that bitter, but I can partially understand it.

I don't want to say goodbye to she either.

If you're reading this, I miss you. If you're in Pittsburgh, I mourn with you and right now, I miss you especially. If you're in New Jersey living in a basement, I miss you the most.

Right now, I really miss you all. I could really use a, "Here we go STEELERS, here we GO!!!" right about now. How 'bout you?

And I'm out. . .

Ω

The New Year

"So this is the new year 
and I don't feel any different 
the clanking of crystal 
explosions off in the distance 
in the distance... 
so this is the new year 
and I have no resolution 
it's self-assigned penance? 
for problems with easy solutions 
so everybody put your best suit or dress on 
let's make believe that we are wealthy for just this once 
lighting firecrackers off on the front lawn 
as thirty dialogues bleed into one 
I wish the world was flat like the old days 
so I could travel just by folding the map 
no more airplanes or speed-trains or freeways 
there'd be no distance that could hold us back 
so this is the new year?"

So this is the new year?

For those of you I have been in close contact with over the past few weeks (and sinc my last post especially, I can not than you enough for your patience, for your ears, and in many cases, your shoulders as I cried on them. I feel as though I have been doing a good amount of that lately. I've been crying for me and crying for she.

Does anyone really understand where I am? I'm not entirely sure that I do. I'm quite positive I don't know what the hell I'm doing. I'm quite positive I'm going to be a wreck of humanity in less than 8 months. I'm quite positive I expect that, and I'm quite positive I'm more than exactly right.

I thoroughly enjoy doing this to myself. I suppose I would have to do this the way that I do.

I once said that knowing the ending didn't destroy a story for me. The means have always been what's important to me. Clearly this is the case now, because I know how this is going to end. Third time's not so much a charm.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

and I'm out

Ω