Alpha to Omega

heart in hand. . .

2008-01-28T23:37:00.000-05:00

Ok, ok, ok, ok. . . .

I'm beyond frustrated.

My head hurts, my eyes hurt, i've been in some sort of training session all day. . . "training." HA!! AND, to top it all off, apparently I'm simply a little school girl.

I'm not the one who is supposed to be a little girl.

I could have gone all day without knowing that Wednesday is D-day. At least it's my day off. At least I'll be able to think about that all day. All day long. Awesome.

It could only be made better were I to know the exact moment it hit the mail box. Maybe the postmaster could call me and tell me it's happened.

Why on earth am I doing this to myself?

And I'm out,

Ω

lost in translation

2008-01-15T01:07:00.000-05:00

I'm not sure why that's an appropriate title for this blog, it just felt right. I continue to get comments and e-mails indicating that you all are still reading this blog, and to say that I'm blown away by that.

I've always said that I never wanted to write these to be "read" and I know that is unavoidable. Of course I'm writing these to be read, but now I know for a fact that they're being read by she. That is slightly disconcerting and overwhelmingly comforting simultaneously. So if you're stealing bandwidth and reading this. . .hi. . .how are ya? I miss you.

I'm currently watching Pirates 3: At World's End. Thus far, I'm digging it. I'm watching it FAR later than I wanted to. You see, several months ago, I was positive that this third and final installment had already been released on DVD, so I added the second installment to my Blockbuster que and thought that when I finished watching it, I would simply take it to my nearest Blockbuster and get the third. That didn't so much work out for me as when I took the film to Blockbuster, I was informed that the third was at least a month away from release. So, I was dismayed that I would not be finishing the trilogy that evening. I am also dismayed now that I have discovered I have no idea what the hell is going on. It's pretty clear that they filmed the second two movies in succession (and simultaneously), but the story isn't as congruent from the second to the third as it was from the first to the second. I'm confused. Something has been lost in translation for me. Ahhhhhh. . .there it is. . .there's the rationale behind the title.

I tend to like these films, and they're a little crazy, which means I think I like them more. . .

untill then. . .i'm out,

Ω

i'm waking up

2008-01-11T01:06:00.001-05:00

"When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part
You roll out of bed and down on your knees
And for a moment you can hardly breathe
Wondering: was she really here?
Is she standing in my room?
No, she's not...
'Cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The giving up is the hardest part
She takes you in with her crying eyes
Then all at once you have to say goodbye
Wondering, could you stay my love?
Will you wake up by my side?
But she can't...
'Cause she's gone gone gone gone gone

Now do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
Do I have to fall asleep with roses, with roses in my hand?
And would you get them if I did?
No you won't...
'Cause you're gone gone gone gone gone

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part"

I can't thank you guys enough for the comments and especially e-mails regarding my last few posts. I can't take credit for the recent lyrics. The last bit was Death Cab for Cutie, and the above lyrics are a John Mayer song that I've been listening to relentlessly for the last few months, and apparently it has gotten a quite a bit of air play. I'm not posting it because it's on the radio, I'm posting it because it's pretty much where I am right now.

I must have said something the other day on the phone because I got the, "I have to go." That's the story of my life. The absolute starting, middle point, and final page of my life.

The truth of the matter is, "she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone." Absolutely. Gone.

Again.

How do I combat that? Is there anything that I can say, do, or think to make something different? Absolutely not.

The job search is going right along. I wish I could say I was encouraged by the process, but I'm not really there yet. I have to start using my MBA.

I'm not very good at asking for prayer. But I need to get there. I would like to ask you to pray for me. I would like you to pray very specifically for the following: my walk, my job search, my health, and love. Pray that, "His will be done." Please.

and with that, I'm, "gone, gone, gone, gone, gone. . ."

Ω

Goodbyes. . .

2008-01-06T01:15:00.000-05:00

"The goodbyes we speak and the goodbyes we year are the
goodbyes that remind us we're alive, after all."

I'm really tired of goodbyes.

Tonight, I said goodbye to yet another NFL season. I mean by conventional standards, the season isn't over for there are still games. I mean the playoffs are still in full swing, teams are still playing games, and there will be winners and losers, but for the Steelers, the season is over and that means it is over for me as well.

It is pathetic to me that we couldn't stop a quarterback who played college ball at ECU. East Carolina University. One of Playboy Magazine's top party schools in the country. I'm not a real big fan of David G's right now. Sorry. I'm bitter.

Did you know that Hunter S. Thompson killed himself several years ago and cited the fact that "football season is over," as being a reason for his sudden demise?

I'm not that bitter, but I can partially understand it.

I don't want to say goodbye to she either.

If you're reading this, I miss you. If you're in Pittsburgh, I mourn with you and right now, I miss you especially. If you're in New Jersey living in a basement, I miss you the most.

Right now, I really miss you all. I could really use a, "Here we go STEELERS, here we GO!!!" right about now. How 'bout you?

And I'm out. . .

Ω

The New Year

2008-01-03T00:06:00.001-05:00

"So this is the new year 
and I don't feel any different 
the clanking of crystal 
explosions off in the distance 
in the distance... 
so this is the new year 
and I have no resolution 
it's self-assigned penance? 
for problems with easy solutions 
so everybody put your best suit or dress on 
let's make believe that we are wealthy for just this once 
lighting firecrackers off on the front lawn 
as thirty dialogues bleed into one 
I wish the world was flat like the old days 
so I could travel just by folding the map 
no more airplanes or speed-trains or freeways 
there'd be no distance that could hold us back 
so this is the new year?"
So this is the new year?

For those of you I have been in close contact with over the past few weeks (and sinc my last post especially, I can not than you enough for your patience, for your ears, and in many cases, your shoulders as I cried on them. I feel as though I have been doing a good amount of that lately. I've been crying for me and crying for she.

Does anyone really understand where I am? I'm not entirely sure that I do. I'm quite positive I don't know what the hell I'm doing. I'm quite positive I'm going to be a wreck of humanity in less than 8 months. I'm quite positive I expect that, and I'm quite positive I'm more than exactly right.

I thoroughly enjoy doing this to myself. I suppose I would have to do this the way that I do.

I once said that knowing the ending didn't destroy a story for me. The means have always been what's important to me. Clearly this is the case now, because I know how this is going to end. Third time's not so much a charm.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

and I'm out

Ω

distance

2007-12-30T01:33:00.001-05:00

The distance between Raleigh, North Carolina, United States and Honolulu, Hawaii, United States is 4790 miles (7708 km).

i just want to sink to the bottom with you

2007-12-30T01:14:00.000-05:00

“the ocean is big and blue,

i just want to sink to the bottom with you.”

I am currently without internet connection. That’s most likely a good thing. I have written 4 blogs this week and published none of them. I am breaking every rule I set for myself when I started this venture. I swore to myself that I would never write these in a way that they were meant to be read. I also swore that if I would sit down and write blogs as one stream of conscious thought. I would not edit them (save for a few spelling errors . . . and my grammar is always perfect anyway). I would always present these to you as they poured from me.

I feel the slight need to explain the first caveat, as of course these are written to be “read,” but there is a clear difference between sharing these thoughts and writing things that are contrived and feel practiced. I really don’t want to write these things and share these things with you as an exposure to “me” to what I’m thinking, what I’m feeling, and maybe asking for a little help from time to time.

Each time I’ve written something this week, I found myself reading and re-reading every blog making sure it was polished, making sure it “felt” perfect, and making sure it wouldn’t hurt or offend anyone that may swing by and have a “look-see.”

Apparently I have some new readers, and some return readers. My biggest issue at the moment is one new reader in particular. Anyway. . .

I am learning that things change.

I am learning that things get more and more complicated.

I am learning that “I did know something I didn’t, but it wasn’t that.”

I am also learning that “your microwave sucks.”

NJ is a long way away, but Hawaii is even further.

Pretty much anywhere that isn’t right here is too far away for me. It always has been , and it will be for a long time.

Fayetteville sucks.

I’m so frustrated right now. I’m so tired of being moments behind where I want so badly to be. I mean moments.

New York scares the hell out of me.

New Jersey scares the hell out of me too.

Hawaii scares me even more.

How can I be frightened and scared and still desire?

I am exhausted. I promise I will post this.

Ω

remembering isn't everything

2007-12-21T02:19:00.000-05:00

"There are places I remember
All my life, though some have changed
Some forever, not for better
Some have gone, and some remain
All these places had their moments
With lovers and friends, I still recall
Some and dead and some are living
In my life, I loved them all

But of all these friends and lovers
There is none that compares to you
And these memories lose their meaning
When I think of love, as something new
Though I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life, I love you more"

JL/PM

Sometimes, remembering things is the hardest part. There are so many odd things I remember. I remember conversations and I really remember things about she. Conversations that we had, and the one argument . .

My heart aches for she. My heart truly aches.

Ω

help?!?

2007-12-20T01:33:00.000-05:00

"It's been a while, since I could hold my head up high
It's been a while since I first saw you.
It's been a while since I could stand on my own two feet again.
It's been a while since I could call you.
And every thing I can't remember,
As messed up as it all may seem,
and consequences that are rendered,
I've stretched myself beyond my means.

It's been a while since I can say I wasn't addicted
It's been a while since I can say I loved myself as well,
It's been a while since I've gone and messed things up just like I always do,
It's been a while, but all that sh*t seems to disappear when I'm with you . . .

. . .why I must I feel this way?
just make this go away,
just one more peaceful day . . .

. . . it's been a while since I could look at myself straight
it's been a while since I said I'm sorry
it's been a while since I've seen the way the candles light your face
it's been a while, but I can still remember just the way you taste."

She called tonight.

Awesome. My worst fears were confirmed. My heart aches for her.

If you pray, please pray for me and please pray for she.

Ω

Graduation

2007-12-19T00:07:00.001-05:00

So, I thought I would post a few pictures from this past week's graduation.

The first picture is of my father, David placing my hood on me.

The second is of my mother and me after the ceremony.

The third is of me in front of the Tom Folwell Memorial Fountain.

More to come at a later time. I'm exhausted.

If you click on the link of this blog's title, you can actually watch the whole ceremony. I am the 11th person to graduate. It's about an hour in.

I miss you guys,

Ω

"Remember your lesson . . ."

2007-12-14T02:22:00.000-05:00

"'Say your lesson, Jake, son of Elmer, and be true.'
'I do not aim with my hand; he who aims with his hand
has forgotten the face of his father. I aim with my eye.
I do not shoot with my hand; he who shoots with his hand
has forgotten the face of his father. I shoot with my mind.
I do not kill with my gun; he who kills with his gun has
forgotten the face of his father. I kill with my heart.'
'Kill these.'"

Can anyone actually name the book that's from? I would actually be impressed. Like actually impressed.

So "Kidders" gets here tomorrow morning, and I'm psyched! I can't wait. I'm almost as excited about kidders arrival as my graduation. I really miss the Kidd. I miss his wife Leah too, but I miss the Kidd more.

This is is a short one. Sorry to the faithful. I just loved that quote. I need a "lesson" like that.

I hope everyone is firggin' awesome.

And I'm out,

Ω

"On the dashes"

2007-12-12T00:10:00.000-05:00

So I ran into an old buddy tonight. When I say "old buddy"I mean someone with whom I was once acquainted. I asked him how he was doing and he responded by saying he was, "just trying to live life on the dashes." I chuckled like I got it, and I didn't.

I thought about it for a few minutes and realized I had to know what he meant. I sought him out and asked, "What do you mean, 'on the dashes?'" He told me that it meant the dashes on his tombstone. Between his birth date and his death date. He was just trying to live, "on the dashes."

I was crushed. I wasn't crushed because I felt he had a defeatist attitude or because he was just "phoning it in." I was crushed because I knew exactly what he meant. I have mulled it over for hours now and I realize that I have a tenancy to live the very same way.

I'm reminding myself to step out, live it up. You only get to ride this roller coaster one time.

be good,

Ω

such is life

2007-12-11T00:25:00.000-05:00

Tonight as I opened my copy of "A Christmas Story," I realized that the closing mechanism is near complete failure to the point of falling off. I can only assume it is from overuse. Aside from being one of the best movies of all time, it is one of two "Christmas" movies I watch at any given point throughout the year ("Eddie, I couldn't be any more surprised if I woke up with my head sewn to the carpet"). For some strange reason, it is very comforting to me to watch this movie in the middle of the summer (both of them actually).

I've made two posts in the past week (after taking more than MONTHS off) and your response has been overwhelming. I've had so many e-mails and comments (I only published one as the rest were kind of personal), and each one is very meaningful.

I must admit that I wrote again simply to get things off of my chest and I didn't really think you guys still checked this. It's flattering and it makes me sad to think I have done such a horrible job of keeping up with each of you.

A few updates: 1) Friday night, I will graduate from Campbell University with my Masters Degree in Business Administration (with concentrations in management and finance), 2) I still have the same job, but that's apt to change at any moment, and 3) I'm still single (thankfully).

I fear that I will fall into the trap of writing this so that it will be "read." While that is a good thing, I've spent my entire life shielding my soul from others using humor and sarcasm, and I need to be as open as possible. It's cathartic for me to get things off of my chest in this forum, and I need to keep that openness and honesty with myself . . . also with each of you.

J-Kidd is flying in from Pittsburgh on Friday, and Shaw was in this past weekend. That's all the Christmas presents I could ever ask for. Seeing these guys has been like water for a thirsty soul. It was wonderful to see Shaw and I can't wait to see Kidd. Truly.

I hate people who always insist on using "internet abbreviations." U kno the p33ps i'm talkin 'bout rit3? I felt the need to get that off my chest. If you're over 18, please stop typing like this and get a lif3, "I triple-dog-dare-ya!"

I went to church yesterday for the first time in months. MONTHS. I went to LIFE: The Changing Church. They meet in Crossroads 20 movie theater in Cary. The music was . . . well pretty ok. The guy who led worship was good. I know I'm really hard on musicians, and I should try to be a little more open, but man . . . when you're doing it for GOD, is it too much to ask that you practice?

The sermon was about being alone and it struck a lot of chords deep in my soul. One of the passages of scripture was,
"We all, like sheep, have gone astray,
each of us has turned to his own way;
and the LORD has laid on him
the iniquity of us all."
I just sat there in awe. I have gone astray, and I need to get back.

"The reason why I stand/the answer lies in You/You hung to make me strong/though my praise was few/when I fall I bring Your name down/but I have found in You/a hear that bleeds forgiveness/replacing all these thoughts of painful memories/but I know You're response will always be/'I'll take you back'/'always'/'even when your fight is over'/'even when the pain is coming through'/'i'll take you back'

I can only speak with a grateful heart/as I'm pierced by the gift of Your love/I will always bring an offering/I can never thank You enough/You take me back/always."

I need this . . .

"You are my supply/my breath of life/still more awesome than I know/You are my reward/worth living for/still more than awesome than I know/All of You is more than enough for all of me/for every thirst and every need/You satisfy me/with Your love/all I have in You is more than enough."

I have to get back to basics. I simply must. If you pray for me, let that be your prayer. Please.

"I can't feel You like others around me/I don't feel like kneeling or closing my eyes/is there something wrong with my heart that I can't see?/Or do You feel love still when nobody cries?/So I'll praise You if I never feel You/and I'll love You 'cause I know You're there/and if You should choose/I'm sure I'll feel it/but feeling good is never the reason I cared./Father I praise You/because You are/Jesus I love You/because You are/Spirit I worship You/because You are/and if no one can see that Your love's moving me/I'll worship you still and forever will be/because You are."

"I keep singing skyward, it just never rains."

I miss you guys and gals. I love you all, and I'm thankful for your love for me.

because, He is,

Ω

"there's only four things running through my mind"

2007-12-09T01:05:00.001-05:00

"How hard will it be if she is nice to me?
How bad will it get if I let her get to know me?
Should she see the willing dog or should I be the jungle cat?
And most of all my God, how does she make her eyes do that?

And I don't need another girl inside my head . . .

. . . I'm not the only one to write her letters.
That doesn't matter anyhow, the question isn't 'if,' but 'how?'

How hard will it be if she is nice to me?
How bad will it get if I let her get to know me?
Should she see the willing dog or should I be the jungle cat?
And most of all my God, how does she make her eyes do that?"

People shouldn't ever tell me things they don't want thrown back at them in times which they deem inappropriate for "them." I may have horrible ADD, and I may not be the brightest bulb in the box, but I'm not the dimmest and I have a memory like a steel trap. It's amazing the things that I remember. I remember what certain people were wearing on the day I met them (at least important people--or important to me), I remember what people drink, I remember how they order their food. Most importantly, I have a tenancy to remember what people say, and how they say it.

Telling me something like, "I'm going to fire that person," or, "we're just not compatible," and odds are, you're gonna hear it again. If you want to fire someone, and you tell me that, when I see them working for you months later, I'm gonna ask you something along the lines of, "Dude, when are you gonna fire that person?" If you tell me you aren't compatible with your significant other, and you're still dating them in a week/month/year, you're definitely going to hear about that one from me.

I had a very good friend once who told me, "I know this isn't the person God has for me. I can't see myself marrying him." Then, she proceeded to call a taxi while he slept and attempt to sneak out of the house (in Arizona) and go to the airport and fly back to Pittsburgh without any explanation. When she flew into Pittsburgh that night, they were apart, and it was, "the best decision" of her life. Now, years later, they're married. I've made a conscious decision not to speak to her ever again. I've done this because every time I see her, I see a liar. She either lied to me, lied to herself, or is lying to everyone (mainly her husband). See, I remember things.

Recently, I heard the comment, "he still isn't over his ex-, and we just aren't compatible." I'm pretty sure we also then later on in the week discussed the fact they are going out on a date tonight (Saturday night). Why say things like that and then go out with someone? Am I the last person on this planet with "balls?" Step up, be a man (or a wo-man) and take care of your business. Or, don't say shit like that. That's all I ask. Apparently, from the people I call my friends, I am asking too much. Therefore, I don't think I shall call them my friends any longer.

Is that wrong of me?

I didn't think so.

If you're reading this. Thank you.

Ω

i'm not really sure where to start with this

2007-12-08T00:34:00.000-05:00

there isn't really much point in again apologizing for failing to write in this thing with any sort of regularity. there also isn't much point in saying that i'm going to get better at writing in this thing, because i'm not. i'm not going to get better at it at all. i don't have any direction with this post, and i don't have any idea if i'll gain any direction.
i'm frustrated.
i'm a little hurt.
i'm a dismayed.
i'm conflated.
i'm misunderstood.
i honestly have to wonder how it's humanly impossible to be this misunderstood. i hate being the nice person all the time. it's ridiculous.

i haven't been to church in months.
i haven't been playing my guitar.

i have the next two days off work and i'm excited about it. not being in that building makes me happy. i need a perminant vacation.

this time next week i will have graduated from campbell university with my masters degree in business administration.

check that one off the to-do list.

and i'm out.

Has it really been this long?

2007-07-03T00:03:00.000-05:00

I don't even know where to begin. April 15th seems like eons ago. In fact, I suppose it is forever ago. I mean, since the 15th of April, I've watched almost the entire Rocky series (I have only the most recent to watch and if I'm not mistaken it will be arriving via mail tomorrow).
I suppose that today I am most compelled to write because I had my first really good cry in a long time. It all started when I got out of bed. . .
As usual, I woke up and flipped open my computer to check my e-mail. I received word that our classes' grades for Strategic Management had been posted. I suppose I should back up just a bit. . . When I started grad school (again) I had 2 simple requirements: 1) I had to take four classes (two required and two electives), and 2) I had to get 2 A's. My first two classes were both B's. I only had 2 classes left. Strategic management was tough. It was down-right hard. Tests were complicated and at times downright confusing. I wrote at least three pages a week (that were due weekly), and I had a major paper due at the end of the class which ended up being 36 single spaced pages.
After realizing that the grades were up, I nervously logged in to Campbell's web access. I swallowed hard as I selected the "grades by term" link and again clicked on "RAL MBA SUM I." My worst fears were confirmed: I had gotten a B.
As today was a class day anyway, I showered and got in my car to head to campus. I reeled the entire way to campus. I didn't know how I was going to tell my dad that I got a B (am I really disappointed with a B?). I was trying to figure out which class I would re-take so that I could get an A.
Dad and I had lunch and we talked about school. . .he stated everything that I expected him to: we would do whatever it takes to finish this MBA. I told him that I was going to go and talk to my professors and see how far I was from A's in my last classes. . .

More to come later. I'm exhausted.

Last request. . .

2007-04-15T00:43:00.000-05:00

"don't sell out, or bow out,
remember how this used to be.
i just want you closer. is that all right?
grant my last request and just let me hold you.
don't shrug your shoulders, lay down beside me.
sure, i can accept that we're going nowhere,
but one last time, let's go there. . .
. . .grant my last request and just let me hold you."

It's been far too long since I've written. I know it's no excuse, but I have several blogs that i've written that were never "published" for one reason or another. Part of my issue is i've been in a rather self deprecating frame of mind lately, and anything that might have been published would have come off as such, and nobody wants to hear that crap. Least of all from me.

I've got to get back to writing here. It centers me. Truly. I've learned that if I write these posts to be "read," I write in a totally different form than if I just get things off of my chest. That isn't fair to me, and it certainly isn't fair to whomever has chosen to spend their time in my corner of the net. If you're taking the time to read this, it is "me" that you'll get. For better or worse, "me" is all I have to offer these days, and admittedly, that isn't much, but hell, "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and dog-on-it, people like me."

I'm still single. I felt the need to just get that out. I appreciate all of the e-mails asking if i'm still single. It's wonderfully pleasant of each of you to remind me that I am completely incapable of keeping myself in a relationship with someone worth "keeping" for any amount of time. It is of course at this point that I will undoubtedly get comments or e-mails reminding me that were it not for one or two occasions, I haven't been in a relationship with someone worth "keeping" in the first place. While I'll never agree to that in such a public forum, I will say that at times I agree that your line of argument may indeed have merit, but I've learned from all of my past failures, and one day, all of that will pay off in ways I never imagined (at least that what i'm praying for nearly daily).

I've decided that i really want a pair of rainbow flip-flops (or thongs to the weird among us). I'm not entirely sure why I feel that prevalent to point out at this juncture, but I need to get that out.

Imus has been really eating at me lately. Well, not so much Imus, but the way he has been literally shat upon by the masses. Al Sharpton called Imus racist. Isn't that a bit like Bill Clinton trying to tell someone the merits of remaining monogamous in a relationship? I don't know. I wish that I could say I had watched any of the Women's NCAA tourney and could make my own accurate judgment as to whether or not any of the Rutgers University women were indeed, "nappy headed ho's." But alas, I am a man and deep in my genetic code, I am forbidden to watch any Women's sport that doesn't have "mud," "wrestling," or "nude" in the title. Without having seen the women in question, these facts/questions remain:
1. Imus is, after all is said and done, a 'shock jock.' Doesn't that tile, in it's very nature, imply the words coming out of his mouth are intended to shock us? Just checking.
2. Were this not said on a national stage, would anyone have cared?
3. Were this said by a black man, would anyone have cared?
4. Imus got thrown under the bus by a whole slew of people.
5. Al Sharpton is by far the biggest racist this planet has ever seen (including even Hitler. . .Sharpton just hasn't killed anyone yet. . .at least that we know of), the fact that he isn't considered one simply because he is black astounds me.
6. Any one of the 34 rap albums released in the first week of April of this year make Imus's comments sound like they came from the pages of an animated children's book. If you think I'm kidding, you should "Throw some d's on that bitch. . ."
7. How does Howard Stern still have a job if we are this picky?

That's all I have in me for the evening. Next installment, Duke Lacrosse. . .

If you're reading this, thank you. I miss you.

Ω

"Please do not create customer issue."
~Brooklyn

by the way, i'm down about 50 lbs.

lyrics

2007-02-23T01:04:00.000-05:00

some lyrics that are moving me right now. . .

I never loved nobody fully.
Always one foot on the ground.
And by protecting my heart truly,
I got lost, in the sounds:

I hear in m mind
All of these voices
I hear in my mind
All of these words
I hear in my mind
All of this music
And it breaks my heart.

Suppose I never ever met you
Suppose we'd never fell in love,
Suppose I never ever let you,
Kiss me so sweet and soft
Suppose I never ever saw you
Suppose you never ever called
Suppose I kept on singing love songs,
just to break my own fall

All of my friends say that of course it's gonna get better. . .

. . .better

Excuse me but can i be you for a while?
my dog won't bite if you sit real still.
i've got the anti-christ in the kitchen yelling at me again
yeah i can hear it
been saved again by the garbage truck
i've got something to say, but nothing comes
yes i know what you think of me, you never shut up
i can year it.

sometimes i hear my voice, and it's been here. . .silent all these years

Suddenly, you're becoming a part of my past
you're becoming the part that won't last
I'm losing you
and it's effortless

I know it's been a month since i've posted and i am truly sorry. i will get better. again.

please keep the love coming. it's turned some dark nights of the soul in to sunny pittsburgh afternoons.

i love you guys (and gals). . .well, most of you anyway.

stupid people. . .

2007-01-29T22:58:00.000-05:00

I can't help it. I really can't. I am thankful to have an above average I.Q. I am thankful to have exceptional schooling. I am thankful to be surrounded (for the most part) by people I consider to be highly intelligent. I am most thankful for those around me with much higher intelligence than my own (and I mean much higher. . .like Dr. White and Dr. Katie--their intelligence blows me away at times).

I like having long talks with intelligent people. I like reading what they have written (even if at times I don't really understand some of it. . .that refers to the few things I have read by Dr. White. . .hell I don't even understand the texts from which he's writing).

I don't have a problem with people that simply don't know better. Those people just can't help it. They wake up in the morning, and they simply don't know they are stupid, they get out of bed (maybe they put the right shoe on the left foot, but maybe not), and they go about their day.

Idiots on the other hand annoy me beyond belief. These are the people who know better, can help it, and simply don't. It is this category of individuals I find myself particularly upset with today.

A few days ago, while at work (so that is the first strike. . .) I was setting up the new Vista machines. We had placed all the laptops out the day prior so it was time to work on the desktops.

I had put three machines out (I was working my way from left to right) and was in the process of booting the fourth machine. The Windows Vista logo was prominent on the 22" wide-screen monitor and I felt a customer peering over my shoulder.

"Is that a Vista machine?" He asked me.

I looked back at him and then back at the screen to make sure "Vista" was still on the 22" screen.

"Yes," I replied biting my tongue.

"When are you going to start displaying them on the floor?" He asked.

I had to really stop and think. Was I still standing on the sales floor? Check. Was the computer on? Check. Was the Vista machine on and next to three other Vista machines? Check. Now, sarcasm was on the tip of my tongue, but I couldn't let myself say what I wanted to. I wanted to say something along the lines of, "Look moron, if you couldn't see that these machines are a) Vista machines and b) already on the damn sales floor, then you are clearly too stupid to own a computer in the first place, and you are clearly too stupid to even find your way home without a road-map and a GPS system."

I held my tongue. I continued setting up the machine, and I just let my blood boil.

Idiots shouldn't be allowed out of the house. Ever. They are the reason people go postal. Honestly. That's the reason. People are fine until one idiot wrecks their day, then suddenly they grab the closest weapon and wreck their entire environment.

Sorry, I'm ranting.

I got my first test back today in my first MBA class back. I got an A, and that makes me happy.

Down 21.2 lbs this year.

Good week.

Ω

Your philosophies on art, Baroque moved you, you loved Mozart.
And you speak of your loved ones
as I clumsily strum my guitar.
Well excuse me, cause I've mistaken you for somebody else.
Somebody who gave a damn, somebody more like myself.
And these foolish games are tearing me apart.
And your thoughtless words are breaking my heart...
You're breaking my heart.

the hook. . .

2007-01-26T00:29:00.000-05:00

Maybe you're right
We've had a good time
I'll sit around, you get yourself a new life
Go get your spark
Go find your smile and get happy

I can't stop listening to Bowling for Soup. "Come Back to Texas" has one of the most amazing hooks I've heard in a long while. I don't know why I feel the need to create an entire blog to this song. . .but it's amazing.

By the way: Vista isn't all it's cracked up to be. It's pretty much garbage except for the boot up and shut-down times. That is a miracle. Less than 5 seconds each way.

Peace

Ω

any questions?!?

2007-01-23T23:29:00.000-05:00

Questions.

We all ask them every day. Some are good questions, and some are better left un-asked. You know the kind I'm talking about:

"When is your baby due?"
"I'm not expecting!"
-----
"How is your wife?"
"We got a divorce."
-----
"How is your mother?"
"She passed away last year."
-----

Seemingly innocent questions can have absolutely damning responses. Your intent isn't to hurt someone (least of all yourself) but somehow your question pierces. Your words resonate in someone else's ears and it's suddenly all they can hear. Your words have brought about disdain to their ears, and likewise, their response, at least on some level, has caused you a certain amount of consternation.
Sometimes you can feel it. Sometimes, even before the question gets all the way out, you know it's a bad question. You can even feel the words floating off your tongue. You wish that they had mass. You wish you could reach up and grab them before they arrive inside the ears of the recipient. You know you can't, and that's a horrible feeling. You wince in anguish as does the person you're talking to.
Maybe you're good enough to play it off. In some cases, you are able to talk your way out of it. On rare occasion, I've been able to do that. On rare occasions, I've even been able to back out of it and have a seemingly decent conversation afterwards. Mostly though, I've simply relished at the flavor of my boot leather as I have tried to remove my foot from my oral cavity.
What about the other kind of question? What about the kind that you ask and you really don't want to know the answer to? I don't know what makes one ask that kind of question. You ask it anyway, and in much the same way as the previous type of question, you can see the words float off of your tongue, and you sincerely wish you hadn't asked the question. This time, however, there's a bigger problem than the embarrassment or temporary discomfort you face. This time, you wince because you know there's more coming. You know the next part is going to be even worse than the first. You know the answer is coming, and there's nothing you can do to stop it. You couldn't stop it if you wanted to, and you really want to. I've done it all my life really. . .
"Dr. Hsiao, what did I get on that test?" (the first time. . .not now)
"_____ are you really going to ask her to marry you?"
"This tastes funny. What's in this?"

Kevin Smith, in his Jersey Trilogy spent a significant amount of time depicting characters (in both Clerks and Chasing Amy) who had not only asked the question they didn't really want the answer to, but also labored over the answer. They labored over the answer so much that it consumed them. The answer didn't ruin relationships, but the character's inability to cope with the answer to the questions that they didn't really want to ask did ruin relationships.

"It's amazing what one can accomplish
when one doesn't know
what one can't do."

I'm a generally inquisitive individual. As people go, I would consider myself more inquisitive than the average individual. I've always liked to explore the unknown. I've always sought out answers to what seemed unanswerable questions. When I study, I tend to be obsessive compulsive about it. When I read a book, I find it hard to make it to the mid point of a book without "peeking" at the ending. In truth, that doesn't ruin the story. At the risk of sounding cliche, the means always interested me more than the end anyway. It's still that way today.
I've recently gotten in to the Alex Cross series of books by James Patterson. I started with the most recent book "CROSS" which has exposed many answers to the books prior (which I'm working on now), and those answers don't dissuade me from continuing my trek through the series. In fact, they only make me want to read them more.
That's the beauty of my inquisitive nature. Getting an answer isn't the end for me. Rather, it's usually little more than another beginning.

I digress. My point in writing this is more the questions we don't want the answers to. Why do we ask them? Dan is famous for the lack of filter between his brain and his mouth. He very often says whatever comes to mind. I love that about Dan. It's actually quite endearing. Most of us have come to expect it. In a room with Dan, keep your ears open, because it's coming sooner or later. My favorite part is, Dan knows when he does it. He knows the moment the words leave his lips that he's done it again. He gets this sheepish look on his face and his cheeks flush very slightly. He usually nods and says something to the effect of, "Yeah, I did it again."

Dan, I did it again too. I asked the question. I opened my mouth and let my tongue form the words I knew I didn't want to utter. I spoke them anyway. I regretted it almost immediately. I suppose that at least partly, I still do. A couple of hours have passed, and I can still feel my question hanging in the air. I wish there were some way I could simply reach up, wrap my fingers around them, pull them close, and save them for another time. A more appropriate time. I fear that the issue would perpetually exist: there would never be a more appropriate time. Somehow, that's strangely comforting. I am comforted to know that in the world of questions you don't want answers to, there is never an appropriate time to ask them. Not now, not ever.

Today, tomorrow, or two years from now, you still won't want the answer. In some way, shape, form, or fashion, you'll always be "Chasing Amy."

I hope you all are having a wonderfully silent moment. Ω

winter passing. . .

2007-01-21T00:03:00.000-05:00

I suppose I could start out by making a half-hearted apology for failing to blog as often as I once hoped I could, and once swore I would, but it would be trite and contrived. It would sound that way too.

I was in Pittsburgh last weekend. It was wonderful. I have to say that I loved seeing J-Kidd and Leah as a couple. It dawned on me that it had been a while since I had seen that. I mean really seen that. I am so proud of the two of them and I am amazed by their endurance. There are times when you look at couples and you know that, "it's just right." This is clearly one of those times for me. Through all of the ups and downs I have always felt like they were so wonderful for each other. They both brought each other to different levels of "living." It was always so beautiful to see, and it is amazingly beautiful to see it again. It really makes me happy.

Maybe that's why I have found this past week so difficult. Maybe seeing Leah and Kidd so happy together and seeing Raffy enter a relationship with Alyssa (who saw that coming?!?) is what has made me so reflective so suddenly. I'm reflecting on her again. (Or on you if you happen to be stealing bandwidth and happen to be reading this--but I feel fairly safe in realizing you aren't doing either).

During Bible Study this week, we decided to just talk. We went around the room and talked about what was going on in each others' lives. I talked about her. I had been struggling with it since arriving back from Pittsburgh. I can't get her out of my mind.

I keep thinking about all the "what-ifs" in my life. She is hands down the biggest what-if I ponder. I had decided that I was going to be over it all. Through an entire week of absolute hell, I made up my mind that I wasn't going to deal with it any longer. I went to bed on Thursday night and actually kept myself up knowing that I wasn't going to hear from her ever again. I've tried my best to not call her (for the past couple of weeks I've managed to keep my self just busy enough to accomplish that Everest-esque feat). When I woke up on Friday morning, I felt like I was going to be ok with the whole situation. I felt like I might be able to move on. I felt like I had possibly given myself the permission I was seeking to move past the hurt. I felt like I might have gotten to the point where I could tell myself I wasn't in love anymore. I didn't love her any longer (no matter how untrue that statement happened to be).

The snow in my little globe had finally settled. I had grown accustomed to the chaos inside my head and finally realized that nobody was shaking my world any longer. In truth, it wasn't that the snow settled. The snow hadn't settled at all. I was so used to seeing the swirling snow that it became my normalcy. The snow just resumed it's normal agitated state. It started when she called. I was at work and my phone started vibrating in my waist. It isn't a new occurrence, and normally I don't even pay it much mind. This time was different. I pulled it off my waist to see her right foot (that's the picture that shows up when she calls).

My heart sped up and my mind began to race. The snow actually stopped. I could barely breathe. I couldn't even get the words "I'm going to have to call you later" out of my mouth. My mind raced. It's still racing.

We talked tonight. I am so not over this. I am so not over her.

Is the snow churning right now or has it stopped?

Am I losing my mind or am I becoming more sane by the second?

Who knows.

I certainly don't.

Ω

heaven is a lot like this. . .

2007-01-13T01:29:00.000-05:00

So, I'm sitting in Sewickley, PA. It's 1:30 in the morning and I've got Shaw on my left, Dan on my right, Dugan to the left of Shaw, and Kidd laying in the floor. This is great.

I miss this place.

G

Happy New Year

2007-01-01T22:26:00.000-05:00

"They say 3% of people use 5-6% of their brain,
97% use just 3% and the rest goes down the drain,
I'll never know which one I am,but I'll bet you my last dime,
99% think we're 3% 100% of the time!

They say 65% of all statistics are made up right there on the spot,
82.4% of the people believe them whether they're accurate statistics or not,
Now I don't know what you believe but I do know there's no doubt,
I need another double shot of something 90-proof,
I've got too much to think about!

Too much to think about,
too much to figure out
Stuck between HOPE and DOUBT,
It's too much to think about.

The average bank robber lives within say 20 miles of the bank he robs,
There's this little bank not so far from here I've been watching now for a while
Seems like lately all I can think about is how bad I want to go out in style.

Too much to think about,
too much to figure out
Stuck between HOPE and DOUBT,
It's too much to think about."

Statistician's Blues --Todd Snider

I'm not entirely sure where I'm headed with this one, so hang on tight, this ride may get a little bumpy. . .

Someone far more intelligent than I once said something to the effect of: "The longest distance a man will ever travel is the 18 inches between his head and his heart." (I wish I knew who to attribute that quote to, and if you know, please let me know immediately.) It seems I'm having trouble traveling that 18" these days. Lots of trouble.

My head is telling me I'll never see her again. My head tells me every single minute of every single hour of every single day that I will never see her again, never breathe the same air in the same room, never laugh out loud simultaneously during a movie that isn't even that funny. . . ever again. Apparently, my heart hasn't gotten the message. I don't know if the line is busy or if there is even a permanent disconnect. Man I hope there isn't a permanent disconnect.

Why is it so hard for me to convince one that the other is inherently wrong at this point? I should be able to convince myself of the truth (but which is the truth?). Will I see her again, or is my head correct?

I must change the subject before I scream. . .

Last night, I found myself sitting in a bar in Charlotte, NC full of belligerent incoherent drunks wishing like hell I was right there at that very moment (yes you read that correctly), but I wanted to swap out many of the attendees. . .and replace some of them with different people (mostly you if you're reading this). I was there with Raffy and Alissa (from Campbell), some of Alissa's friends from 'Jersey (Heather and Nicole to be exact--in order from left to right is Heather, Nicole, and Alissa).

There were certainly parts of yesterday evening that I wish were dramatically different, but at 1:30 a.m., I think my life changed. I was sitting on a bar stool fighting away the "sleep-ies," and the jukebox began playing a familiar tune. . .

"I have climbed the highest mountain
I have run through the fields
Only to be with you
Only to be with you. . ."

It occurred to me, that I, "still haven't found what I'm looking for." See? I told you it was going to be a bumpy ride. Hang on.

I sat there, on a bar stool, leaning over a warm beer that had been warm for almost an hour, looking at an unfinished tray of chicken wings, and trying to figure out how I had gotten "here." How on earth had I arrived at this point in my life? How had I let myself get to this point? How could I possibly have gotten to the point where I required so much humbling? Will I ever recognize the point that God is trying to push through my thick skull?

Looking back, I think my favorite moments of 2006 were the last 10 seconds of it. Standing there, with a ridiculous party hat on my head, a plastic glass of "Sparkling Wine" in one hand, and my other raised above my head in some sort of celebratory count-down maneuver, I watched the last 10 seconds of the worst year of my life fade away. . . 2006 became a part of my past and I can't tell you how happy I am to say that out loud. In one year I lost a job, lost a love, lost an apartment, lost my "way of life," and moved back in with my parents. 2006 treated me like a baby treats a diaper, and I am glad to see it gone. I'm glad to date all my checks with a new number at the end (not that I have any money to write checks with). I was glad to wake up today to a whole new beginning in a whole new year.

Even with the brand new year, the simple fact remains. . . "I still haven't found what I'm looking for." I haven't found it because I haven't looked like I'm supposed to. I have spent my life looking in all of the wrong places. I have spent my hours working towards goals that have no eternal hope. I have pursued things that will never last. I have tried time and time again to tell myself that I am centered on Christ. Am I?

I can't lie to you and say yes. I'm trying.

This year will be different. I'm not making any resolutions. I don't believe in them. I'm just making a commitment to myself.

"This year's love better last,
heaven knows it's high time,
I've been waiting on my own too long."

So help me God (and that's a prayer. . .), this year, I'm gonna find what I'm looking for. I'm gonna start, and finish in the right place.Ω

evenin'

2006-12-28T23:40:00.000-05:00

Good evening. I'm sorry for letting the days pass between posts. I appreciate the friendly reminders to post (as well as the not so friendly kicks in the pants). I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas as I know I did.

I'm headed to Charlotte this weekend for new year's eve. I will be staying with Raffy (the man, they myth, the legend). Our friend from college Alyssa will be there with some friends of her's. We plan on just hanging out on Raffy's porch with a fire pit and chillin'. No "First Night Charlotte" for us. We may make our way down to the Three Monkeys (about a mile from Raffy's house), but most likely it will be low key at best. I've been commanded by Alyssa to bring my guitar just so I can play "All Along the Watchtower" for her. I told her I'd see what I could do.

I'm gonna miss you Pittsburghers this new year. Chris will be throwing his annual shindig, and I will miss the top of Bo's car (I'm sure Bo's wife Kelly is thankful for that).

I've been spending my evenings reading, and I'm deeply involved in an incredible book called "Why my wife thinks I'm an idiot: the life and times of a sportscaster Dad" by Mike Greenberg (from ESPN's Mike and Mike in the morning). It is unreal. It is hilarious. I suggest it to everyone who watches any sporting event. . .EVER. It is a great read.

Since I've been home, I've read the following:

The Cell--Stephen King (good read)
The Innocent Man--John Grisham (good non-fiction)
The Brethren--John Grisham (good read)
Cross--James Patterson (decent)
Angels and Demons--Dan Brown (blows DaVinci code out of the water--excellent read)

I usually don't finish bad books, but I'll let you know if there is a bad one.

Ya'all be good. I need to get some sleep.Ω

Can a DVD go bad?

2006-12-22T22:00:00.000-05:00

If a DVD can go bad, my copy of "A Christmas Story" is truly close. I love this movie. (I say this movie because I'm watching it as I type this blog). "I want an official Red-Rider-Carbine-Action-200-Shot-Range-Model-Air-Rifle." Who, at some point in their life hasn't tried to quote that line (only to realize that there's no way you got it right?)?? I am often tempted to watch this movie at all times during the year. It is simply fantastic.

I'm watching this movie right now because it's about the only thing that actually makes this place feel like Christmas. It's nearly 70 degrees outside during the day (here in North Carolina). I am spending my days in retail hell and my nights consist of sleeping. Other than the Christmas cards that are littering my dresser top (thank you LeCornus [both clans], Leanne, Kidd and Leah, Nannie, and Wyche clan), I can't tell that it's Christmas.

Advent hasn't sunk in, the way I wanted it to and I'm ashamed of that. My friend Katie challenged all of us to prayerfully consider one aspect of our lives that we wanted to contemplate over the season of Advent. We wrote them on sheets of paper, folded them, wrote our names on the outside and stuck them to our Bible study group's Advent wreath. I wrote one word. To this day, I'm not entirely sure why I wrote it. I have contemplated it, I have wrestled with it, I have considered the multiple meanings of it, and I have stayed up looking at my ceiling wondering where God wants me with respect to it. The word is: Worship.

I miss leading worship. I feel like there is a worship sized hole in my heart and everything I am trying to put into it simply isn't cutting it. I need to be playing. I need to be singing. God has given me an incredible gift to lead worship and I am not using it the way I should. I am not using it for Him (which is most likely why it is on my mind like it is). I have used the excuse that, "I just need to participate for a while first." Bullship. (that's the ship they use to transport bulls to market) I'm lying to myself, I'm lying to you, and I'm lying to God. The worst part, and perhaps the largest tragedy, is that I am denying God's people the gift He wants to give them through me. Please understand there is NO conceit when I say that. I truly believe that God has blessed me. I fully believe that he has given me a gift that is supposed to be shared. If it is supposed to be shared, it is for His people. Not using it, I am depriving His people of His intended gifts.

Any ideas? Please don't respond by saying "just go lead worship," because it isn't that easy.

I am brought to tears by the following Third Day song:

"Magnificent, holy father
I stand in awe of all I see
Of all the things you have created
Still you choose to think of me

Who am I that you should suffer
Your very life set me free
The only thing that I can give You
Is the life You gave to me

This is my offering, dear Lord
This is my offering, to You God
I will give You my life
For it's all I have to give
Because You gave Your life for me

I stand before You at this alter
So many have given You more
I may not have much I can offer
Yet what I have is truly Yours

This is my offering, dear Lord
This is my offering, to You God
I will give you my life
For it's all I have to give
Because You gave Your life for me."

I don't have ANYTHING to give right now. I don't have finances. I don't have energy. My spiritual tank is nearly dry. He just wants me. I've got to realize that this Christmas. I just need to see that I'm all He wants and He's all I need.

Peace and love and all good things at Christmas. May the love of Christ surround you during this season when we celebrate His birth.

With that, I'm out. Ω

"such a lonely day. . ."

2006-12-19T23:50:00.000-05:00

". . .it's a day that I'm glad I survived."

Today was one of those days that I'm glad to be done with (I strangely feel as though I've posted this before). I truly missed the folks in Pittsburgh today. I neared the end of my 12 hour shift in the "City" and I was overcome with a feeling of loneliness. I just don't feel like I'm making lasting relationships here. I don't know why, and I can't explain it.

I'm sure that it has something to do with spending this weekend in Charlotte with Raffy. I have missed that kid so much. . .to spend the weekend there was awesome (not to mention watching Pittsburgh absolutely crush the Panthers). It was like old times with Raffy. . .and it was all too short.

I guess these feelings are compounded by relational woes. I'm truly inches away from becoming a monk and swearing off of women all together.

I'm still completely heart broken over my last attempt at a sane and healthy relationship, and it isn't something I'm even remotely interested in trying again any time soon. Truth be told, I don't know that I'm really even over the last one. I think it's maybe because there wasn't any real closure, and there still hasn't been. I feel fairly confident that she has moved on to the point of seeing someone else, but who really knows these things (and more importantly who wants to know these things?)?

I'm watching "The Lake House," and clearly between the subject matter and the character choice. . .isn't the movie I should be watching right now.

I feel like banging my head off of a wall.

I need a break. A real break. I want a freaking day or two without thinking of the stuff that consumes me. I'm a selfish jerk. I know this to be true.

I know this is a part of the process. I know that I am still learning. I know that somewhere, somehow, and for some reason, God is teaching me something. I suppose I'm asking for a hand here. Any suggestions? What am I supposed to be learning that I'm clearly leaving out? I'm missing something. Something is being overlooked, and until I see it, until I grasp it, I am going to remain in this cycle. I know this.

I have tomorrow off work and I really want to spend some contemplative time with God. Maybe when you read this you could pray for me.

Love and love. . .I'm out.

__________

Such a lonely day
And it's mine
It's a day that I'm glad I survived

what an interesting time. . .

2006-12-18T23:06:00.000-05:00

Have you ever lived a song? I mean lived it out? I think maybe I have. . .

"Girl you're lookin' fine tonight
And every guy has got you in his sight
What you're doin' with a clown like me
Is surely one of life's little mysteries

So tonight I'll ask the stars above
How did I ever win your love
What did I do, what did I say
To turn your angel eyes my way

Well I'm the guy who never learned to dance
Never even got one second glance
Across a crowded room was close enough
I could look but I could never touch

So tonight I'll ask the stars above
How did I ever win your love
What did I do, what did I say
To turn your angel eyes my way

Don't anyone wake me if it's just a dream
Cause she's the best thing that ever happened to me
All you fellows you can look all you like
Well this girl you see, she's leaving here with me tonight

So tonight I'll ask the stars above
How did I ever win your love
What did I do, what did I say
To turn your angel eyes my way"

I love picking up the ball and then dropping the ball only to wonder if I should even attempt to pick it up again. At this point, I'm pretty sure I'm just going to leave it on the playground. I hate games. I don't even like to THINK about playing them.

I just don't understand it. Does anyone?

"If your phone isn't ringing, that's me not calling."

I'm out.

I just had to post this. right now. before going to bed.

2006-12-14T23:40:00.000-05:00

"I guess i really don't know what Christmas is all about. ISN'T THERE ANYONE WHO KNOWS WHAT CHRISTMAS IS ALL ABOUT?"
"Sure Charlie Brown, I can tell you what Christmas is all about. Lights please.
'And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger. And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying, Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.'
That's what Christmas is all about Charlie Brown."
"Linus was right, I won't let all this commercialism ruin my Christmas."

Sorry, it's been a very commercial day.

Lord, Humble me. . .

2006-12-12T22:57:00.000-05:00

One would think that after a certain amount of "getting" exactly what I prayed for, I would be significantly more careful how and what I pray for.

Alas, you would be wrong.

I prayed that I would be humbled at this point in my life. I prayed that God would strip my pride and would bring me to a place of learning, to a place of true "reception." I must be getting there. I have to be getting there. I'm sure I could moan and complain about my current hourly wage. I'm sure I could moan and complain about working retail at Christmas time (I'm working at Circuit City). I might even be able to complain about standing for 12 hours at a time during my longer shifts. I stress might in all of those circumstances, because truth be told, I can't complain about any of them!

Today, I opened in the imaging department. For those of you who have been into a Circuit City designed in the last 6 years, imaging is just inside the front door (past the registers and customer service). Opening the store in imaging this time of year isn't very much fun because instead of seeing a sign over the department that says "imaging," I truly believe that customers look up and see a sign that says "information." It's a common joke among the guys in the tech department (of which I am a member) that if you're opening and you're in imaging, make sure you know what "hot" items are out of stock in other departments because every customer who walks in the front door is coming to you first, and asking you about ANYTHING.

First thing this morning, I listened as my associates told me about their departments, and Jamie in the "merch" department told me that we are still out of Nintendo Wii's. . . The first customer in the door was twenty-something guy, who under his breath and without making eye contact asked me, "You got any Play Station 3's or Wii's??" This trend continued from customer to customer for a few hours until just before lunch when a frantic woman came up to me out of breath and asked "Any Wii's?" I told her no and she immediately asked, "Do you have any idea when you are getting some in?" I told her that I didn't and she started crying. I didn't know what to do. I asked her if she was ok and she told me that, "My son has been in the hospital for seven months and all he wants for Christmas is a Wii. He actually told me two weeks ago that i didn't need to worry about the Wii because Santa would surely bring him a Wii considering all he had been through for the past few months."

I didn't know how to react.

I still don't.

I've been praying for God to humble me in ways I wanted to be humbled. I wanted to be humbled with respect to my position (employment), my dependence on money and material wealth, etc. As it turns out, I feel like God wants me to see just how wonderful my life is. I have so much. God has given me so much. How can I look at any area of my wonderful life and complain? I can't.

He has humbled me. He continues to do so.

"shake and bake" Ω

______________________
"You hate people!"
"But I love gatherings. Isn't it ironic?"
Randall and Dante

To whom are you accountable?

2006-12-11T21:06:00.000-05:00

If you haven't read the third chapter of Daniel, do so before reading this post. That way, my rantings might actually make sense.

So I think I've most likely heard somewhere just north of 50 sermons on the third chapter of Daniel in my lifetime. I've heard tons about Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. I've heard about faith, I've heard about reliance, I've heard about defiance, I've heard about truly standing up for what you believe in, ALL in the name of Christ. It wasn't until just before leaving Pittsburgh that God revealed a totally different side of that passage to me. I was preparing a devotional for the 20-30 something focus team and God showed me about the bond of accountability between SMA. It occurred to me that the story may have been dramatically different were the story about any one of the three (and only about any one of the three).

I can't put myself in any of their shoes and make it work alone. I can't honestly fool myself into thinking that were I alone, in front of King Nebuchadnezzar, that I would have stood my ground and refused to worship his statue for fear of death. Would I have had the courage alone? I don't think so. With Kidd, or Shaw, or Dan, or Greg, or J-Corn, or Mark, or Mike, or, or, or. . . Any of my brothers standing next to me makes me realize I'm not alone, and I have someone "fighting" with me. SMA had that. They had it in each other. The story is truly a story of accountability (just let me bend the scripture please).

This is important to me today because I'm realizing I still haven't established any real pattern of accountability here in Cary. That's what I miss the most from Pittsburgh. I'll admit it. I need it too. I need it badly. I don't have it. . .

My friend Clayton told me that I couldn't just pray for accountability, I had to seek it out. I have been. I've been looking for people to "connect" with. Especially with other men. I sound like a broken record I know, but today when I sat down to open my Bible, it just opened to Daniel 3, and I was reminded of the importance of accountability.

I hope to challenge you. I hope you'll challenge me.

ima go sleep now. that's all i've got for tonight. Ω

Commercialism

2006-12-10T23:16:00.000-05:00

I've been learning about The Advent. At Christ Church, evey year, we lit the Advent candles, read verses, and explained why we were even lighting candles at all. . .
I was so fortunate to hear it annually. I was so fortunate to have the opportunity to prepare the way for the coming of Christ. I find myself wondering why I never did.
My good friend Dr. Katie has really taken the lead on helping our entire Ignite group understand the truth behind Advent. It has been challenging to think about how we truly usher in Christ and prepare ourselves for the season in which we celebrate the birth of Christ.
I think about true celebration of Christmas and I realize we aren't even supposed to listen to Christmas carols until after the 25th of December. I don't know. It all seems kind of trite. I mean what we've turned Christmas into.
Well. . .i have to get up early for my thrilling job in retail. . .at Christmas.
Next weekend, I'm in Charlotte for a football game. Pittsburgh style.
Sorry this was so random.

2 posts in 1 day????

2006-12-08T21:54:00.000-05:00

I know. . .what the heck is going on?

Yet another thrilling day at the plant (Circuit City). NO, we don't have any Wii's, and NO, we don't have any PlayStation 3's. Actually, we had 4 when we opened. All four had been sold by 10:07 (we open at 10:00). 4 units in less than 10 minutes. That's not too bad huh?

I'm actually writing because I want to talk about Circuit City (as Maria says "A job's a job G"), but instead, a book a finished this evening. I read ANGELS AND DEMONS by Dan Brown (the man who wrote the DaVinci Code). Now, if you haven't read the DaVinci Code or seen the movie and plan on doing either, stop reading, I plan on revealing some things about the plot of that novel, and quite frankly, I don't have the time or the patience, or the energy to black out the text. Just stop reading.

I really enjoyed ANGELS AND DEMONS. Unlike THE DaVINCI CODE, I didn't have to stretch my already overly active imagination to enjoy it. I really had to "work" to read DaVINCI. I can't, for the life of me, even entertain the notion that Christ married and had a child. I, unlike the rest of the "Christian" world, didn't take the book seriously. Never for a second did I see DaVINCI as anything more than a work of fiction, so the story never "bothered" me like it bothered so many. I, knew and accepted that it was truly fiction, and I was able to enjoy it as such. Still, I had trouble with the fact that the story was soooo far-fetched.

ANGELS was different. I just had to accept that science butted heads with the Catholic church. That wasn't too tough. Actually, that wasn't tough at all. The book was well written, the dialogue was good, the story was interesting, and it truly kept my interest (as I read 560+ pages this week).

I've heard some people call Dan Brown's books garbage simply because of their subject matter. That frustrates me. Please, I'm not a supporter of Dan Brown (in so far as controversy goes), but the man wrote a work of fiction. It's with the OTHER fiction books. I've never seen it on the religion shelves of the book store, nor have I ever seen it with other non-fiction books. That being said, I'm still not sure what all the fuss was about. Yes, he did make claims about Christ that were clearly untrue, and people were in an uproar about that, but did Dan Brown ever claim to be speaking the truth?

Christians are so quick to judge. What's wrong with reading Dan Brown's book? I have heard numerous times that Brown's book is wrong because it contradicts the Bible. Hmmmmm. That's an interesting concept. Quick question: What did Judas do with the 30 pieces of silver he received for betraying Christ? Did he buy a field or did he return it to the priests? (Matthew 27:3-5 says he returned it to the priests but Acts 1:17-18 suggests he bought a field). Okay, okay, so that one was a little skewed. . .tricky. Let's try another: Who sold Joseph into captivity? If you answered The Midianites, you would be wrong according to Genesis 39:1, however if you answered according to Genesis 39:1 and said The Ishmaelites, you would be incorrect according to Genesis 37:36 which told us that it was, indeed, the Midianites. Hmmm.

I guess I should say here that I believe the Bible is the inspired word of God. I believe that with my whole heart. I also believe that God put His word in the hands of fallible men. I think the quicker we are to point inward instead of outward we will get so much farther. We turn so many people off because we are SO FAST to call Dan Brown evil because he contradicts what we believe, but we contradict what we believe. We do it with our lives, and we do it with our words, and we aren't even clear with our Bible.

I don't know. I just get annoyed with how quick we are to judge others. Somewhere, there was even a verse about a speck of saw vs. a plank or something like that.

Look, I know I'm ranting, and I'm more than exhausted. I hope you guys are doing well. I hope you also know my words are not to tear down my beliefs (or yours) but to build up. I just want to encourage you. . .and me. . .to be more accepting. . .never wavering on our own beliefs, but understanding others'. I guess that's all I've got for tonight. Ω

First thing's first. . .

2006-12-08T10:10:00.000-05:00

Good morning! It's been a while since I've blogged, and several of you have e-mailed me and yelled at me for neglecting this. . .I am truly sorry. A BIG thank-you to those of you who stay on my case about this, I'm honored you want to read what I have to say.

I'm quasi short on time this morning as I have to get ready to go to work (yes, I did say work) at Circuit City. I am classified as a seasonal technology department product specialist. Basically, I sell computers (laptop and desktop), all computer related products, cameras, camcorders, and anything else in the store my customer may want. It's a job, and it's honestly interesting. I don't make much money, but the hours are flexible and will allow me to finish my master's degree (while still making money).

So, I've been working my face off lately and not much else. Being on your feet for a 10-12 hour shift is no fun. . .I don't know how ER doctors do it (of course they make a little more money).

Here are a few things i've learned in my tenure thus far:
1. If you want a Wii and you don't have one yet, you aren't getting one any time soon. Last Sunday we had 24 for sale and they were all accounted for by people camping outside of our store or people getting there early to claim a Wii ticket voucher (good for purchase inside).
2. Circuit City's extended warranty's are actually worth buying. The "accidental" warranty on cameras actually covers "drops." How cool is that?
3. The Sony PlayStation 3 sucks. Our "demo" machine has broken down 3 times in the week i've been employed there. That isn't good odds. I don't care that we leave it on all day. . .we do the same thing with the XBox 360 and it hasn't broken down in the year they've had it in the store.
4. Computer monitors are really expensive.
5. Circuit City employees don't get very good discounts in the store. Our best prices are already on the floor, and employees don't do much better (maybe 10-20% on non sale items. . .and it's much closer to 10%). That's okay because I don't have any money to spend any way.
6. I want to take a trip to New Jersey.
7. It's not okay to hit a customer. Don't ask me how I know this, just trust me that it's not okay to do this.

I miss you guys, and I'm coming back to Pittsburgh for a weekend in Jan. Seriously, it's right around the corner.

Be good, write soon and often. I love hearing from you.

I need to get in touch with Kent C. If anyone has his physical address please e-mail it to me.Ω

i'm kind of a big deal. . .

2006-11-26T22:14:00.000-05:00

Wow. I don't like to pat myself on the back, but last week, I recall saying the following: "You’re hearing it here first, STATE will lose to ECU next week." Wow. How prophetic.

Oh, by the way, Amato is out.

More to come, but i must do my happy dance for at least an hour.

Turkey Day

2006-11-23T23:58:00.001-05:00

Happy Thanksgiving!

I find myself wondering something: were you able to search the text of every blog posted today, how many times would you find the word Turkey? I;m guessing in just about every one of them. So, I’ll make the obligatory mention and say I’ve had my fill, but man. . .turkey is so good. Why do we only cook it once a year?

The real reason for my post has little or nothing to do with the fact that today is Thanksgiving (except only for the fact that tomorrow is Black Friday).

Ahhh, Black Friday (why does everything have to be a black thing?? And why is it that we only have White Sales on Martin Luther King Day). I hate Black Friday. I hate it because the deals are too spectacular to pass up, but you can’t be at every store during the 6:00 a.m. to 10:00 a.m. time frame they give you. Brand new DVD’s for under $5 (new releases), lap-top computers for $299, televisions too big for any room in a normal house for under $1,000, hard drives, flash memory, video cameras, video games, CD’s . . . and on, and on, and on, and on.

My problem is this: THE REBATE. I hate the rebate. I loathe the rebate. If you want me to be able to have brand “x” printer for $50, don’t make me pay $150 and send 1,000 pieces of paper to everyone except the pope to get 4 checks back in the amount of $25 each. I don’t want to do my banking with your store. If I wanted to do my banking with your store, I would have a credit card with you. Otherwise, I want to hand you the money you want for a specific good, and I want the good. I don’t want to haggle with your “people” to get my “over-payment” back.

Somewhere, there is a magic number, and I would love to know what that magic number is. What I mean is that a store expects a certain percentage of the purchasing population to never fill out the rebates (or. . .GOD forbid, fill them out incorrectly). So, in order to offer you the ultimate low price of $50 for the printer, a certain number of people are expected to “over-pay” to the tune of $150 total for the printer. While there are loss leaders, the company still expects to come out “on-top” by selling you a printer for $50. Statistical gurus and actuaries most likely sit around and crunch numbers for weeks determining how much they can sell their printers for and how much they can give back and how much they won’t have to give back, all over the actual cost of the printer. It’s mind boggling, but somewhere, someone has turned it into a very simple equation, and for the life of me, I hate that person.

Alas, I have to wake up early tomorrow to go get in line to get rebate paperwork.Ω

Ahhhh. . .guilty musicial pleasures

2006-11-19T23:16:00.000-05:00

“He pulled me close and said, ‘they all stopped and stared, as I walked down the street all alone, nobody knew my name. Nobody knew my name.’”

Today seems to be the day to reminisce. I wrote a letter to a dear friend of mine today in which I talked about the things from my past that I’m unfairly holding on to, and the things from my past that I suppose I need to grasp a little tighter.

I’m not extremely good at letting things go, and even letting things in a conversation drop, so I’m not exactly sure how to let things in my past go. I’m sure I could accept (and even give) the overly cliché answer of “Give it God.” But I swear, the next person that says that to me is getting punched in the teeth. Please don’t test me on this, I don’t want to have to punch any of you in the mouth.

My LIFE is God’s (and I’m not referring to some nameless, faceless entity, I’m talking about 1/3 of the Holy Trinity baby). The good and the bad and the ugly, I give it all to Him. That includes my present, my past, and God willing, my future. It’s all His.

How can I lay claim to anything in my life?
How can I give myself power over a situation?
How can I do anything apart from Him?
I can’t.

I’ve had a frustrating week. Can you tell?

*****I’m truly sorry for not blogging at all this week. I’m one lazy frack. I mean, I’m not going to come up with some BS excuse about being uber busy, because I could have video blogged at the very least right? Well, I didn’t, and I am truly sorry. I just looked at the counter, and there have been over one hundred and twenty hits this week. It’s completely inexcusable for me not to honor your willingness to check this thing with my unwillingness to post. My original thoughts were to post 3x a week, and I will do my very bestest to get back to that this week.******

Carolina beat NC State in football this weekend. Normally, I wouldn’t care to mention that. I am a UNC fan, and in this town I catch a lot of crap for that. In the past week, I’ve been hearing all about how I shouldn’t get my hopes up for the game this weekend because UNC was going to get crushed, and next week all I would talk about is the impending basketball season because that’s, “all UNC is good at anyway.” Now, granted, UNC has historically one of the best basketball programs in Division I history, but to say that’s “all they are good at” is infantile. How can you negate lacrosse, women’s soccer, men’s soccer, baseball, swimming, gymnastics, and beer pong??? Seriously though, State fans love to bash Carolina fans because we “talk so much crap” but I rarely say anything about my team (unless it’s to defend them AGAIN from one of Kidd’s pie charts about the Big East’s dominance). Lately however, I have heard a TON from State fans about how dominant their football team is. After a State win, there are those little NC State window flags EVERYWHERE. . .when they lose, you can’t find one in the State bookstore. So, for all you State fans, let me please post a few UNDENYABLE facts: A) since beating Florida State (at home), your beloved Wolfpack has lost to: Wake Forest, Maryland, Virginia, Georgia Tech, Clemson, and North Carolina. About the only teams you HAVEN’T lost to in the ACC are the ones you haven’t played. B) your record is 3-8 while Carolina is 2-9 (maybe next year we can play App. State too. . .) C) you are dead last in the Atlantic Division--that puts you on even footing with DUKE in the coastal division, D) you haven’t won a football game since the Republicans controlled both the house and the senate and E) at the end of the day, you still lost to Carolina.

So, do any State fans want to talk about football? I don’t. I can accept the fact that Carolina is horrible. We had a lousy year. We fired our coach. We’re fixing our problems. I'll keep wearing my UNC hat, and you people can keep calling it "unfortunate" and UNC can keep right on winning.

You’re hearing it here first, STATE will lose to ECU next week. Of course, UNC will also lose to Duke.

Whew, I feel better. Why is it talking about a UNC win against State in FOOTBALL makes me feel just a little bit better? I would imagine a Pitt win against WVU has the same affect on Kidd. Who am I kidding, Kidd takes pride in a Pitt win against a DIV blind and deaf program.

Well, more to follow, but I must retire to my sleeping quarters.

Please continue to write me comments and send me e-mails directly, I love hearing from you guys. Truly. I will get better about writing back.Ω
__________
“I’m always thinking one step ahead, like a carpenter that builds steps.”
~Andy Bernard
The Office

Video Blog #2

2006-11-10T23:31:00.000-05:00

wow. . .i made it to number two. i'm kind of a big deal. i have many leatherbound books. . .

miss you guys.

let me know what you think of the video blogging. should i keep doing it?

video blog--Trial Run

2006-11-10T22:42:00.000-05:00

political rambeling. . . i'm sorry in advance

2006-11-08T18:03:00.000-05:00

*****I am not trying to start a political discussion with this blog, and comments will (most likely) not be approved. I’m not trying to anger anyone, though I’m sure I will. I am simply blogging my feelings at the moment, and I am attempting to sort out what I’ve been thinking about. As always, this will be one completed in one sitting. . .I’m not trying to write a paper, so if I am incoherent at times, well, that’s how my mind works.*****

What’s the purpose of a war? Maybe there’s a better question here: How do you win a war?

Contrary to the talking heads floating around here on my television lately, I don’t think the way to win a war is to go in, occupy, offer democracy, give democracy, and withdraw all the troops from the area never to be seen again except in crisis. I don’t think that is much of a “win.” What have we proven? What has been proven to us?

I’m not a big fan of war. I don’t know that anyone is. I can’t sit at home and think that even those in the military actually like war. Nobody does. War is however, a necessary evil. You can’t argue that it isn’t. Nobody can. Diplomacy only works when everyone at the table is diplomatic. Want proof? Look at North Korea right now. . .yeah. . .diplomacy is great. We should always use diplomacy. . .we should have used diplomacy with Hitler.

Okay, sarcasm aside, diplomacy doesn’t work. Nations will use diplomacy as a stall tactic in order to gain more time so they can position their ground troops in an appropriate manor.

That being said, war is a reality. The war in Iraq is a reality we all have to come to grips with. I don’t care why we’re there. The point is we are. I feel lied to. I’m a staunch republican and I’m tired of hearing the phrase “weapons of mass destruction.” I think Bush should just say, “Hey, they weren’t there. . .we thought they were, but they weren’t. Oh well, Hussein had to go. We did that much.”

We have gone into a land that isn’t “ours.” We have given people democracy (although some may argue it was thrust upon the people of Iraq). Unfortunately, the “war” isn’t over. There are still suicide bombings, still RPG attacks, still troops dying. This all leads me back to my original question: How do you win a war? We obviously have superior technology, planning, weaponry, training, etc. Why haven’t we won?

We will not win in Iraq until we defeat the will of those who oppose democracy. The opposition will win when they have defeated out will to fight. The frightening thing is, they damn near have.

Since day one, the democrats have opposed this war. No sweat, demmies and repubbies disagree all the time. As time has progressed though, the democrats have taken their opposition to this war to the next level. They have outright condemned our country’s involvement in this war and have daily said we should be gone from Iraq. Our nation’s senators and congressmen (most of them on the left hand side of the isle) have told our country time and time again that we shouldn’t be in this war, in this territory, and we are spilling the blood of innocent people because we are there.

How is this productive to our troops on the ground? How does this help them? How does this encourage them? How does this tell our troops that we support them? It doesn’t. It destroys their will to fight.

Let me take this argument out of this context for a moment. Suppose the owner of your corporation came to you and said, “I need you to work on this project for me. It’s vital to the future of this company, and we don’t have anyone else to do this. I know you can do it, I’m behind you.” You leave his office and you start to work diligently on the project. Several days into the project your bosses notice your hard work and commend you for it. Your co-workers who were unable to complete the project themselves are excited about the project and are learning how to do these types of projects for themselves in the future. Suddenly, you overhear one of your superiors saying, “I can’t believe this project they’re having my employee do. It’s useless, futile, there is no future in this project, and all it is doing is giving our company a bad name.” You are dejected, but you press on. . .after all, the owner himself told you of the importance of this project. Weeks later, several more folks at the managerial level are starting to complain about the efficacy of your project. Your co-workers are all behind you, as is the owner, and numerous members of management, but so many people are saying your project is useless. Would you really have the will to get up in the morning, go to your office, and work on your project? I wouldn’t. People leave jobs all the time over this kind of thing. Thank God our troops can’t leave their jobs.

Why should we expect anything different from our troops? Why should we expect them to have the will to fight when people in our country. . .anyone comes out to say how wrong this war is?

I’m sorry, but who’s will are we trying to break? The insurgents or our troops? Whether one agrees with the war or not, whether you want the troops home or not, the fact of the matter is, as long as the insurgents have the will to fight, we have not won any war, and we won’t as long as we are stripping our troops of their will. Buck up, support our troops, or just continue voting for democrats who will continue to tear our efforts and our troops to shreds. Hear it here first. . .next major election we vote the democrats out because of their inability to run this country and “change” the things “we” put them in office to change.

I’m off my political soapbox now. . .forgive me if I offend, that was not my intent.Ω

foulness

2006-11-06T22:52:00.000-05:00

I am in the foulest of moods. I DON'T KNOW WHY. I'm just foul right now.

I know you've had days like this. Everything seemed ok for most of the day. I registered my car in the state of NC, I sent several vital e-mails and made some phone calls that needed to be made, I changed the strings on and cleaned 3 guitars (doesn't sound like much. . .but it is), and I went to a church meeting this evening. All was well.

I've been sitting in my room for a few hours, and I've been watching football and American Chopper, and I've become foul.

An hour or so ago, I was overcome with the urge to pray, and I did. I suppose it is significant to mention that for the simple reason that I am rarely overcome with the urge to pray. I have often found myself very skeptical of those who say they were "overcome with the urge to pray." I guess I have become one of those people. . .good.

In the last few minutes (maybe 20 or so) I have really become foul. I can't figure out why. Do I want to be foul? I'm not entirely sure I can honestly answer that.

Any suggestions?

_________

"If you want to live to your next birthday, you'll learn to fry my eggs better."
~Jesco White

GOB

2006-11-05T00:23:00.000-05:00

Did you know that Gob Bluth is actually George Oscar Bluth, and Buster’s real name is Byron. That pretty much blows me away. They have real names?? What the hell? If you don’t know who I’m talking about, climb out from under your rock and check out Arrested Development immediately.

So I hung out tonight with a bunch of folks from the church, all my age. I had a blast. We all watched Nacho Libre and Dumb and Dumber. These folks are a lot more fun than I think I originally wanted to give them credit for. I’m so awful about that. I love to sell people short. It is so much easier that way. Didn’t I blog about that earlier? Anyway. . .

How does one go about writing a book? Do you think that people map the whole thing out, and write it against an outline? Do you suppose writers let their characters develop. . .let them take lives of their own? I want to write a book. I have no idea what I would write it about. Any suggestions?

________

“This is the sound a doggy makes.”
(sound of a buzzer)
“Yes, Sean Connery?”
“Moo”
“No”
“Well that’s the sound your mother made last night.”
~SNL Celebrity Jeopardy
(This one was for Dan. . .i think this whole post actually)

2006-11-04T01:49:00.000-05:00

“Hair is grey and the fires are burning
So many dreams on the shelf
You say I wanted you to be proud of me
I always wanted that myself.”

I can hear a song, or an entire collection by a particular artist, and be reminded of nothing. The music can carry with it no recollection of anything in particular. It can not take me back to a specific day or time or place. It can be little more than a song, some words, a beautiful melody, and it can float around me, above me, in me, and be simply: a song.

Then, there is the other end of the spectrum. There are songs, opening riffs, hooks, lines, and simply lead voices that take me to a “place.” They take me to a time. They remind me of a person. They (both the song, and in this case the person) have become a part of me.

“So I ran faster
but it caught me here”

In 1993, I was sixteen, driving my first car, and really discovering music. The first thing every sixteen year old does when you put him or her behind the wheel of a car is crank up the radio, and I was no different. I had a tape player in my ’86 Civic, and I made mix tapes, and converted cd’s to tapes on a daily basis. I loved listening to my music. I ended up putting a CD player in my trunk (Alpine to be exact), and I blasted every where I went.

Schoolkids Records on Kildare Farm Road was the local “indie” music shop, and a place where I “hung out” almost as much as I shopped. There were always interesting sounds floating from the suspended speakers in that shop, and if I didn’t own the music I heard, it wasn’t long before it became a fixture in my collection. I heard so many artists there for the first time: 311, Weezer, Live, The Mighty Mighty Bosstones, Barenaked Ladies, Fugazi, Ani Difranco, Dave Matthews, Green Day, Helmet, Mark Curry, Nine Inch Nails, Paul Westerberg, Radiohead, Rage Against the Machine, The Samples, Soul Asylum, Belly, Ben Harper, The Breeders, Counting Crows (“August and Everything After” was released in 1993), Cracker, The Cranberries, Edwin McCain, Morphine, Primus, Smashing Pumpkins, Tool, Beck, Bush, Frente!, Liz Phair, The Kostars, Luscious Jackson, Veruca Salt, and Tori Amos.

“this is not really this a this a this is not
really happening
you bet your life it is”

Stella worked at Schoolkids. Stella was in very large part, responsible for my musical education. Stella was an “alternative girl” before it was cool to be one. One of her best friends (and co-worker at the time) was Penny, and the two of them taught me about Pumas, Adidas jackets, corduroy pants, fitted hats. . .basically wearing what you like to wear irrespective of whether or not it is “cool” or what everyone else is wearing. As I write this, I’m realizing that Stella’s whole approach to life (at least in the “social” and “hip” sense. . .I would later learn what her life really centered on) was about Stella. She listened to music that she liked, and it was good music! She didn’t listen to a song because a radio station played it, or simply because her friends said it was good, she listened to what she wanted to. . .and she dressed the way she wanted to. . . In a time where so much of your social acceptance is dependant upon you “fitting-in,” Stella bucked the system. Maybe that’s why we became such close friends. I suppose, looking back, Stella was my first example of independence.

So much of high-school at Apex was the artificial caste system implemented and monitored by the sons and daughters of privilege. For the most part, you fit into one of three categories or your “social” opportunities were nil to none. Those three groups were: Rich, Red-Neck, and Black. Even within the “rich” folks, you could be accepted if you dressed like, talked like, thought like, or drank like you were “supposed to.” In a sense, you could be drafted into the upper echelon of Apex by a head nod from one of the “privileged.” It was very cut and dry there. You either fit in or you didn’t. I didn’t. I don’t want to speak for Stella, but I would imagine she didn’t fit in either. She most likely preferred it that way.

“Excuse me but can I be you for awhile. . .
I hear my voice and it's been here
Silent all these years”

Schoolkids was a local ticket distributor (back in the day when there was more than just Ticketmaster). The employees had a nice little scheme devised for concerts: They would give a friend the first lottery ticket and the next day when they drew numbers with their friend in the front of the line and first choice of tickets, everyone in the shop suddenly, surprisingly, somehow got great seats to EVERY SHOW. . .huh imagine that. I was often times in on the plan. The amazing thing seemed to be that the first guy or gal in line (behind the “friend) always got great seats too and nobody was any wiser, nor did anyone care. I saw tons of bands up close (I’ll spare you the list here).

In 1994, Tori Amos and I were close enough to kiss. Stella came through in the clutch and got me seats almost on her piano bench in Raleigh’s Memorial Auditorium. To this day, I can not hear Tori Amos without thoughts of “Stella Paige” rushing back to me. I can see us walking to and from classes together. I can see her corduroys sagging off her hips and frayed around her black pumas. I can see her waiting behind the counter of Schoolkids for a customer to leave so we could “tool” on their purchases. I can hear “NICE” and “THAANKS” like she’s sitting beside me.

In 1995 we graduated from Apex. In the age before cell phones and e-mail (it’s hard for me to believe we have become so dependant on them in the last 11 years) it was easy to lose touch with someone, and Stella and I did just that. Many of you have heard me say time and time again that there are less than a half dozen people I went to high-school with that I ever care to talk to again. Stella is number one on that list. I don’t guess it’s any prize to be on my “want to hear from/talk to” list, but for now, I’ll pretend it is. . .

Recently, we’ve been re-connected (through MySpace believe it or not). We have yet to catch one another on the phone, but I know it’s coming soon. Stella is still as beautiful as I remember, and as independent as ever (you can really see it in her pictures).

“All the world is
All I am
The black of the blackest ocean
and that tear in your hand
All the world is danglin' danglin' danglin' for me darlin'
You don't know the power that you have with that
tear in your hand
that tear in your hand”

Stella set so many wonderful examples that I wish I had picked up on earlier. I wish back in high school I understood her the way I understand her now. My own personal growth would have been so different. The lessons I could have seen from her life would have done me well at age 16 (hell, they’re doing me well at almost 30. . .). At some point, I hope to tell Stella what an impact she made on my life. At some point I hope to sincerely thank her for just being her. Stella lives in California now and is only “home” for (as she puts it) “a hot-minute” around holidays. I hope this Christmas affords me the opportunity to enjoy a cup of coffee, or coke, or barley water, or well seasoned grapes with my long lost friend Stella. It is truly amazing to me the impact someone can have on your life in the the 10 years they have been out of it.

“They say Confucius does his crossword with a pen
I'm still the angel to the girl who hates to sin”

I’ve been listening to Tori Amos the entire time I’ve been writing this blog. I suppose I’m overly sentimental because of the effect this music has on me. I would imagine the blog would have been much shorter were my iPod out of service. . .but unfortunately for you all, that just wasn’t the case.

Cherish those around you. You never know the impact they will eternally have on you. Treat them as gifts, for they are. Ω

_____

“I’m pretty sure that if they took porn off the internet there would only be 2 sites left and one of them would be ‘bringbacktheporn.com.’”
~Dr. Cox
Scrubs

Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan

2006-11-03T16:56:00.000-05:00

Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan

Brilliant simply isn’t strong enough.

The most offensive film I’ve ever seen isn’t “strong enough” either.

Absolutely hilarious.

If you are easily offended, don’t go see this movie. Please heed my warning. . .it is by far the most offensive film I’ve ever seen. Also understand, I laughed so hard I’m still sore. My muscles actually ache from the amount of laughing I did during this movie. Honestly. I don’t recall a film where I have laughed out loud to the point of being afraid to take a drink of my delicious (yet overpriced) tasty beverage for fear of spewing it on the patron in front of me. . .this is that film.

I can’t even begin to describe this film to you. I don’t even know where to begin. The film starts as a journey by Borat Sagdiyev (Sacha Baren Cohen) from his native Kazakhstan to the USA to make a documentary for his country about the American “culture” starting in New York city. What develops is a journey across the United States to find Pamela Anderson. From New York, through Georgia, Alabama, Texas, to California, inside homes, classrooms, bed and breakfasts, antique stores, MLK boulevard (after midnight), and a “frat-boy” camper, Borat encounters Americans and documents every interaction.

No cultural, racial, economic, or medically misfortunate group is left out. . .everyone is equally offended. I think that’s what makes it truly funny. No punches are pulled as everyone is battered (and at some moments simultaneously). I suppose it’s easy to laugh at everyone when you know you’re getting laughed at too.

I give this film 5 out of 5 stars. . .easily.Ω

______

“Tobie is in HR which techinically means he works for corporate so he’s really not a part of our family. Also, he’s divorced, so he’s really not a part of his family.”
~The Office

2006-11-01T23:10:00.000-05:00

So much to blog about, and my ADD is kicking in with a vengeance, so I apologize in advance for the randomness and sudden “left turns” that are inevitable in this post.

Firstly, I’m blessed to think that in just over a few weeks you guys have visited this page over 200 times now. I’m blown away that you care enough about what I have to say to read this. Also, I’m really glad that you are posting comments and in many cases, e-mailing comments to me directly. I am glad for the accountability. I miss you folks.

I guess what really prompted me to post tonight was the episode of “Lost” which I endured. I try not to get too bent out of shape at T.V. Honestly. . .I stress “try.” I swear that this show is going to drive me truly insane. It’s past the point of driving me to drink, and past the point of driving me to want to beat up babies (thank GOD I don’t watch Lost in a maternity ward).

What really sent me over the edge this evening was the addition of 2 new characters. “New” isn’t the best word, because I can actually believe there are people in the crash with whom we haven’t been properly introduced (with 60+ people on the plane when it crashed, and for the most part, we’ve only really seen story lines on a dozen of them). The two characters in question are a male (young, virile, strong) and a female (she had great personality. . .two of them. . .and they were under-dressed for her entire involvement in the episode. . .and while that pissed me off, it didn’t anger me nearly as much as what I really want to talk about).

The new man. I don’t buy it. I can’t buy the fact that this guy exists. Throughout the first two seasons, every time there has been a major project, we have seen “the cream of the crop,” the best and strongest the survivors had to offer. We have seen the men building, hunting, heavy lifting, etc., and we have seen the women doing laundry, farming, cooking (I’m not being a male chauvinist it’s the show. . .not me). So suddenly, I’m expected to believe that this guy has been there the whole time, and we are just seeing him today? We didn’t see him before today. . .what gives?

I tell you what gives: we needed new sexy people. We can’t have the camera on all the sexy people at the same time (because most of them are in captivity together). Let’s face it, SEX SELLS!!!!!!!!

Why? Why does sex sell so well? Where have we gone as a society that the plot doesn’t sell anymore? We have entire shows devoted to sex and innuendo (Sex in the City, Desperate Housewives, The Jim Bakker Hour of Power. . . ). I don’t know why a guy without a shirt or a woman who is half dressed sells so well. I don’t get it. Can someone help me?

I’ve been in a foul mood all day today, and this is all most likely a run-off from my horrible day. Thanks for putting up with my crap again. I’ll talk to you soon. Ω

________

“All around me are familiar faces, worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races, going nowhere, going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses, no expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow, no tomorrow, no tomorrow

And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad”
~Tears for Fears

“Do you remember on Lost when they met the 'others?'”
~The Office

Saw III--review

2006-10-27T16:25:00.000-05:00

SPOILER ALERT!!!!

Any areas that appear to be blank can be read by highlighting the area where text should be.

I went to see Saw III today. Review follows:

By far the most gruesome of the trilogy, Saw III lived up to the hype that Saw II failed to come close to. In the third installment, “Jigsaw” (Tobin Bell) is still leading unsuspecting souls through his “games” on his deathbed and is utilizing assistance from his protégée Amanda (Shawnee Smith). You will remember Amanda from both previous installments of Saw (the hooker/drug addict who escaped in the first Saw, and the house-guest who was “running” the game from the inside in Saw II). In this episode, Amanda is the central figure as she is setting up and carrying out the “games” due to Jigsaw’s apparent impending death, and his inability to be physically involved.

Within the first 30 minutes of this film, there are three bloody scenes that far surpass any of the brutality in the first two films. The three instances in the movie’s introduction are little more than gratuitous violence, as they have little to do with the ultimate plot of the film (other than to prove that Amanda’s character does not provide her victims a way out).

The plot of this film is surprisingly good. I never imagined (after the complete bust of Saw II) that the third film would be anything more than a “slasher” flick, so I was pleasantly surprised to see a plot which included aspects of forgiveness, redemption, and choice. The “game” through most of the film twists and turns with an ultimate twist at the end (reminiscent of the first Saw) that left me truly surprised, and pleased with the overall scope of the film. **** The writers left a clear pathway to Saw IV, but with both Jigsaw and Amanda apparently dead, I’m interested to see how Saw IV will be possible.****

If you are fan of horror films, see Saw III. If you are squeamish, STAY AWAY. Overall, I give it 3.5 out of 5 stars Ω

Penguins atop the Atlantic division????

2006-10-24T22:53:00.000-05:00

http://sports.espn.go.com/nhl/recap?gameId=261024016

Um. . . I leave Pittsburgh and the Penns go to the top of the Atlantic? Wait a minute. They have 3 wins before the Steelers. Never in a million years did I ever imagine this would be possible. I think I am going to cry myself to sleep tonight on my huge pillow. The Penguins have 5 wins. 5. At this point, I hope and pray that the Steelers get 5 wins.

Sorry, I've already blogged today, but this was really IMPORTANT.

Youth In Asia

2006-10-24T22:27:00.000-05:00

“What do you think about euthanasia?”

“Dude, I don’t know, I think there’s a ton of kids here in America we should worry about first.”

“Say wha. . ?”

“You asked me about youth in Asia right?”

“Euthanasia, not youth in Asia.”

“Same difference right?”

“You’re an idiot. But that’s why I love you man. You’re an absolute idiot.”

I had to start out with some humor today, or else it would just be straight down the crapper. My mother put her cat of almost 20 years to sleep today. I don’t care if you aren’t a cat person, it’s a pet, and it’s been a part of our home for more than half of my life. Maxi was sick. She had cancer in her mouth, and her kidneys were at best operating at about 1 on a scale of 10. Her joints were horrible, and on and on and on. My mom was a wreck. I heard her tell someone on the phone that Maxi has been her best friend for years. She talked about the unconditional love that she felt from her cat.

It breaks my heart. Honestly, it does. I don’t want to sound like a drama queen, but man, I died a little inside for my mom today. I won’t sicken any of you with the grizzly details of the actual process, but what appears to be very gruesome is actually very quick. Very quick. Like that, my mom’s “best friend” was gone. The vet was awesome. He was caring, considerate, kind. . .and he treated all of us with respect and just gave us time with Maxi. She was looking at mom, eyes fixed on her, and then she was just gone. . .

I don’t even really know where I’m going with this, except maybe to have a record of today.

Maybe it’s proof that what we think is real is really fleeting. Maybe there’s an overly pious part of me that wants to turn this into a blog about “real unconditional love” and spend the next 30 minutes typing about Christ. Maybe I just want to remember that Maxi was one of the best pets anyone could ask for. Maybe I’m a little sad too.

Margot better live forever, ‘cause I don’t know if I can go through this with my kitty. No smart-ass remarks. . .I don’t want to hear them right now.Ω

_______

“You’re treading on holy ground.”
“In this bookstore?!? Should I take off my shoes? Should I tie a rope around my waist so in the event I am stricken dead by God, someone can pull me out?”
“You better put bells on it.”
“WOW!!!”
“Did I mention I kissed dating good-bye?”
”WOW!! It’s pretty cool to date Jesus, but the break-up could be a real mess.”
"He doesn't actually say that does he??"
"I have never ever prayed that someone would die a death of syphilis, but were I ever to pray that, I would pray that for her."
"I can't believe you just said that."
"Only because of her purity vow. . .I'm a big fan of irony. Oh yeah. . .her too."

Homecoming

2006-10-21T22:28:00.000-05:00

There used to be a road here. In this picture on the left. . .i'm standing where there used to be a ROAD. Not like a dirt road, but a real road. . .yellow line down the middle, white lines on either side. . .real road. Now, it's grass, brick, and the Folwell memorial fountain (in the center of the picture). Don't get me wrong, I love the Folwell fountain. Tom Folwell was the dean of Campbell's school of business, and the building that you can barely see on the left hand side of the fountain is there solely because of his involvement on the campus, and solely because of his drive. He died in his office my senior year of college. That place will never be the same. For those of us who were fortunate to have him for one of the few classes he taught, we will remember everything about him, and we will know that nobody will ever be able to fill his shoes.

I learned how to play tennis right under that bull dozer. You can kind of make out a doubles line underneath the front tire. That specific court is where I served my first ace. Right under the rear tire is where I learned the "art" of net play. I would spend hours there learning how to get frustrated at my self, and envious of my father's incredible service game. It appears to be a construction gathering point now. Maybe J-Kidd can tell me the technical name for that, but I prefer "construction gathering point."

I think I could most likely post a dozen more pictures of a dozen more places on Campbell's campus that are irrevocably different now. There's a Barnes and Noble in place of the CU Bookstore, and there's a Chick-filet in place of one of the Oasis student centers.

My father tells me that I should have expected huge change on the campus, and I expected change, but not like the change I saw. I suppose it's because I literally grew up on the campus, playing basketball in the gym, playing tennis on the (above) courts, throwing pennies in the fountains. . .

It freaked me out. It still freaks me out. Coming to Christ Church after the addition would have freaked me out too, but you expect the church to grow. For almost 20 years, I didn't see the campus grow that much. I saw new fronts on buildings, I saw new brick walk-ways, but not changes like this. . .

I saw Ashley Geisel's parents and brother today along with Amy Pattyn and her lovely daughter Logan, and that was wonderful. Amy was upset that she had no cell phone service here in NC because apparently, you have to be in a T-Mobile store to actually have service. I had a T-Mobile phone once (actually a blackberry device) and I had the same problem. I had shoddy service at times in Moon Township. That bothered me. I hate T-Mobile. They are now a part of my Axis of Evil. . ."So that's Iran, Iraq, Enron, the economy, Daschle, one of those Koreas, France. . ." and T-Mobile. "But not Dr. Evil, he makes me laugh, so he's out."

And on that note, so am I, and I don't want to hear anything else about Enron unless our military has pounded it into submission. Ω

_______

"they say goldfish have no memory
i guess their lives are much like mine
the little plastic castle
is a surprise every time
it's hard to say if they're happy
but they don't seem much to mind"
~Ani D.

homecoming tomorrow. . .

2006-10-20T21:43:00.000-05:00

BSG still has a few minutes left, so this blog will be erratic at best. I apologize in advance.

This week has just plain sucked. I have been sick with this sinus death since Tuesday, and it has had me in bed for the better part of the week. Usually I’m not such a wimp, but this thing has really knocked the wind out of me (all pun intended). I wish I could say that while in bed I red something great or even saw some good television, but neither are the case as all I felt like doing was lying there like a slug. I got really good at that. I hope today is the last day of the energy zapping sickness, as I have plans tomorrow to go to Campbell for homecoming.

I’m never too sure what to expect at a Campbell homecoming. The years I was in school at Campbell, we all went to homecoming together, sat on the hill, screamed at the ref, went back to our dorms or out to eat.

I have no idea what I’m walking into tomorrow. . .

Did it finally work???

2006-10-18T22:11:00.000-05:00

This will be the third time I have tried to post this picture. For those of you who care. . .or even if you don't. . .at this point I don't care whether you care or not. . .I care. . .Picasa's "blog this!" function SUCKS. It's awful. It doesn't put a picture up like it should.

Anyway. . .i digress. It's quarter after 11:00, and I am fifteen minutes into two Alka-Seltzer p.m.'s. These things hit me like a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster (for those of you who are NOT familiar with The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy, a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster has the following effect: it's like having your brains smashed out by a slice of lemon wrapped round a large gold brick).

So. . .anyway. . .this thing is kicking in, and I'm typing as fast as I can (faster than agent Jack Bauer trying to disarm a bomb in the 23rd hour of a season) as I want to fall asleep in bed and not in this quasi comfortable chair.

I missed Bible Study (Ignite) this evening because of how crappy I feel. I am having my annual bout with sinus death (as I like to call it), and it has really knocked me for a loop. I spent all day yesterday in bed, and I'm just praying I can sleep tonight.

I know that picture has nothing to do with this post, but I love it. For those of you know know Sam and Ben know that this picture really sums them up. Completely. I miss them

I miss a lot of folks from Pittsburgh. . .and one from beyond. Ω

"your palms are sweaty, and i'm barely listening. . .
. . . what's buried underneath? . .
. . . i am a visitor here, i am not permanent . . .
. . . you seem so out of context . . .
. . . i am finally seeing why i was the one worth leaving."

Differences in the South

2006-10-16T21:43:00.000-05:00

It’s hard for me to imagine that it’s been a week since I’ve blogged. I intend to update this at least 3x a week, and last week wasn’t that busy. Bills, bills, and more bills have dominated all that I’ve been doing. Anyone want to send me lots and lots of money??

Church this week was great. I really enjoyed the sermon, and it was an excellent OT (or Hebrew Bible. . .sorry Ben) sermon from Genesis. It was from Genesis 6, and the sermon ended before Noah shows up on the scene. Now honestly, how many sermons from Genesis 6 end before Noah? I’d venture to say not too many.

I’m still doing well with the “limited T.V.” edict, thanks for all of you who have e-mailed me and asked me about that. Accountability is very important to me, and I don’t take it lightly when you ask (and thank you to those of you who have).

I finished my NavPress study on Acts, and I’m going on to John. Acts was started as a “joint” study, but unfortunately it hasn’t turned out to finish that way. While, I find that disappointing, I can’t say that I’m terribly surprised.

I finished the study today in a Caribou Coffee. The coffee was cheaper than any other local coffee house, and as good. . .if not better than Starbucks. Add the free wireless internet, comfort for studying (area to spread out), the niceness of the people, and it’s the premier place for Gordon right now.

I’m really beginning to notice one of the things I truly missed about the south after my move to Pittsburgh: how the people here are generally nicer. The first person I saw noticed my Bible (the 4 translation parallel study Bible won’t fit in my bag if I have anything else in it), and greeted it nicely. Maybe I just caught the right guy at the right moment, but he was the first guy to see me, and didn’t make me feel ostracized for carrying it. Don’t get me wrong, I really couldn’t care less what someone thinks of me studying my Bible, but I remember some really hard, cold stares when I would whip it out at the Starbucks in Moon.

About an hour into my studies, a woman (near my age) sat down next to me with a small child, asked me about my Acts book, and an hour long conversation ensued. That kind of thing rarely happened in PA. Nobody reading this will ever be able to accuse me of shying away from a conversation, so I don’t want to hear that I’ve changed since arriving home in NC. This kind of thing just didn’t happen in PA. It isn’t that the people of Pennsylvania weren’t friendly, they just had enough friends. I have actually heard Pennsylvanians tell someone that they “don’t have room in their life for another friend right now.”

Unreal. I think we need to take another look at our “community.” Folks, we don’t get to pick when community happens. Community happens at the most inconvenient times: when we’re sick, when we are hurting, when we need prayer, when we are lost. . . Community is rarely convenient for the people who are there for us when we are in need of community. . .but community still happens. Community happens in spite of us. How amazing is that?

I think in the church today we spend too much time trying to force community. Community can’t be forced. There is no sermon that can be preached which will cause community to spontaneously combust (contrary to some beliefs). You have to earn trust, and earn respect. Community, and especially “authentic” community (to coin a phrase of a preacher I heard somewhere who must have used those two words together about 500 times in a single sermon) doesn’t happen when you tell it to. I think that shortly, there will be a post on community.

I’m not suggesting that my hour long session with a random stranger today was community, but maybe it’s the beginnings of community, maybe it’s a random encounter. It doesn’t truly matter either way. I’m not looking for “female” community right now. Not at all. I’m looking for male community, and accountability. I think I am finding the beginnings of that with Kyle and Allen, but we will see.

I’ve been reading an incredible book lately: Power Through Prayer by E. M. Bounds. It’s a phenomenal read, and I suggest it to all of you. Read it slowly, ingest it, and let it slake the thirst of your soul. I have a feeling it will. Ω

“Today is Thursday, and Dwight thinks it’s Friday. Sooooo, that’s what I’ll be working on today.”

_______

“My roommate wants to meet everybody, because I’m pretty sure he thinks I’m making Dwight up. He is very real.”

~The Office

The Idiot Box

2006-10-09T20:49:00.000-05:00

I’ve made a choice. I’m keeping my time in front of the idiot box to a minimum. It’s 9:22 p.m. and I’ve just turned on the TV for the first time, and really only to check the score of the game. It’s funny because I just had to look up to see who was playing (it’s Denver and Baltimore by the way).

There are a few shows I really want to watch, and will continue to:
The Office
Scrubs
Family Guy
World Poker Tour
Lost (and only until I figure out what’s going on. . .then I’m gonna quit watching that one. . .it drives me insane. . .truly insane), and
Battlestar Galactica

Now, other than sports, that’s truly all I want to watch (did I forget any Shaw or Dan??). I have thought about all of the hours I’ve wasted in front of the TV, and I’m disgusted with myself and how much time is gone. . .that I can never get back just because I sat in front of the TV and didn’t have the intestinal fortitude to just get up.

I don’t want a pat on the back, and I’m not telling you this to be a Pharisee, but I’m telling you as an encouragement. I’m not going to be naïve enough to make some sort of a statement like, “I’m going to read the Bible instead.” I’ve just realized you can only spend your time once, so I’m going to try to be better and smarter about how I spend it.

So, I want you to hold me accountable. Please. I just don’t want to sit in front of the TV for hour after hour anymore. I am envious of people who don’t have cable. But. . .if I didn’t have cable, I couldn’t watch sports, and that would be a disaster. Ω

“Are you a big William Hung fan?”
“Why does everyone always ask me that? I don’t even know who that is." ~The Office

Here we go Steelers. . .

2006-10-08T22:25:00.000-05:00

there they go. . .

the steelers are now 1-3. This is gonna be a long season.

it's like they've come back from Africa. . .and they've never been heard from again. . .

The “Business” of a Church*

2006-10-08T22:15:00.000-05:00

Are churches run too much like businesses?

Are there enough business principles being applied in the church?

My old friend (but recently re-acquainted) Sarah and I got into a discussion about this topic last Friday evening. Our conversation really prompted me to sit down and have this discussion with myself, and flesh these questions out. Forgive me for dragging you on this process with me, but I feel that these questions are vital to me in my search for a church home.

Sarah believes fully that there are too many churches that are run like a business, and initially, my response was that there were not enough business principles found within the walls of your local church. I think we were coming at this issue from the same side and didn’t even know it. (Sarah, I’ll try to make this make sense. . . ).

I suppose I should start with what I think a church is. For me, it is more than a building, it is more than people, and it is much more than a service on Sunday morning (or multiple services if your church is fortunate enough to require them). Church is about what “happens” there. Church is about the community that is formed within the building’s walls, and more importantly, the community that is pursued after the doors of the building have been closed. Church is based on the principles set forth by our founding fathers (and can quite literally be traced back to the book of Acts). The purpose of the early church was a place for a community to gather and worship together. You’ll find very little in the book of Acts about youth group, contemporary services, pro-life ministry groups, Sunday school, singles groups . . . etc. (you get the point). I can not stress enough the importance of these groups, as I feel that these ministries are vital to many communities, as well as the spiritual growth of the members of a congregation. I am simply pointing out that these are not elements in the early church as the apostles were charged to create it.

Churches in the earliest history of the church met wherever and whenever they could. They didn’t have huge buildings with huge steeples, they met in peoples’ homes, in common areas, in whatever “space” they could find. We have put a premium on buildings, on space, on “having” a place to meet for our services. I could most likely spend a week talking about the pros and cons of this approach, but that is clearly not my intent for this blog. I simply feel the need to point out that there are many material things which a church purchases, and often, multiple real estate opportunities for a church to invest in, so it is reasonable for one to expect that in any modern church there is a significant amount of money changing hands for one reason or another.

Many established churches (large and small) have an individual who is their “business manager” (pick any applicable equivalent substitutable title and feel free to replace). In some wealthier churches, this is a staff member who is on the church payroll, and in some of the other more budget constrained churches, this is often a volunteer position, or done by a committee of people (I have attended churches where both are the case, and as an attendee, you can hardly tell the difference. . .it is not something that you should be able to see).

You would be a fool to suggest that any church (or any non-profit organization for that matter) could exist while having a blind eye on monetary issues. We (for better or worse) live in a society that revolves around money (having it and spending it). Having a person in place (or a committee) to make sound financial decisions for the church is vital. We are called to be good stewards with our resources, and to leave these functions up to someone with no experience in this type of decision making is foolish.

It is this foolishness that I refer to when I state that there are not enough business principles in the church today. Far too often, we have good people, with good hearts, with incredible skills in ministry, who can barely balance their check-book in the role of church business manager. How can this be? We wouldn’t pick a random man off the street to be the preacher. We wouldn’t pick someone who is tone deaf to lead the music ministry. Why are we willing to settle for less in the role of business manager?

We have churches deep in debt who are breaking ground on new buildings. We see churches who can barely make pay-roll hiring new associate pastors. Churches far too often take stands “on faith” that are clearly not sound financial decisions. Faith is clearly a good thing. Listening to God’s call is clearly a good thing. Putting the future of a church in jeopardy because of poor financial decisions, is clearly a bad thing.

In my mind, necessary business principles don’t just stop with sound financial decisions. In this litigious age, our churches need strong human resource personnel/committees (to structure employee agreements, train employees on harassment law, correctly structure benefit packages, correctly handle employee reviews, etc.). Our churches need great planners to organize all of the ministries (some of which are listed above) that occur within its walls. Our churches need Parrish councils (equivalent to business boards of directors) to keep staff accountable (particularly pastoral staff). To say that a church can “sit back and relax.” While all of these things are going on around them, and that “God will take care of the details” is insane. For those of you who are skeptical that a church isn’t in need of any HR to “protect” itself, please click here. . .then come back and finish reading. Please don’t be naive enough to make the statement, “that won’t happen in my church,” because I made that statement, about that very church. . .my church. It can happen, and it will. It is unfortunate that we live in a world where we have to be protective inside the walls of our churches, but as long as we have human beings inside those walls, that will always be the case.

Where should the business line stop in the church? Should we sit down and have strategic planning, long budget meetings, long range planning sessions, goal orientations, profit and loss meetings, lay-offs, mission statements, and should we bring in business consultants to see how well we are doing against out goals?!? Well, the best answer I have for that is: maybe.

Some pastors I have been blessed enough to encounter and have serious discussions with about matters such as these have told me that they “function” much better within the “rigid” confines of the business world. Many of these pastors made a “life-transition” out of the business world into the ministry, and let’s face it. . .old habits are tough to break. Depending upon your personality, you may very well function with hard deadlines, budget proposals, and specific attainable goals. I don’t necessarily think that is a bad thing. The problem becomes substituting the Godly principles on which any church should be founded, for business principles and relying on your business savvy to grow your congregation instead of relying on God.

Principles of business in and of themselves are not bad things, and I believe I can make a very successful argument that at their core, many of them are Biblical. I think (and forgive me in advance Sarah) that Sarah takes issue with the possibility that any church could rely solely on business savvy, and the principles of the business world to operate and grow a church. I would have to agree. I think that we spend too much time becoming goal oriented in our churches and abandon the Biblical principles on which those goals are based.

Congregations that tend to think of their “church” as a business, and try to run their church like a business, rarely see the growth they expect in their “business.” The fact is, people spend their time in the business world all week, and they come to church to be in church. When you are in a church that is run like a business, it feels like it. They are cold, “in-authentic,” and lack the true “soul” of a church. They are often very polished, you are in and out according to a set schedule (and they rarely go over time), the “presentation” is pristine, and the interpersonal communications are practically non-existent. Who wants to worship there?

(I don’t believe there is anything wrong with a polished presentation. . .especially when you are presenting to God and for God, but that is a discussion for another day and time.)

For me, the bottom line remains a big maybe. I think business principles in a church setting are absolutely necessary, but I staunchly oppose attempting to run any church like a business. Maybe you think I’m talking out of both sides of my mouth, and playing the middle, but I really don’t think I am.

Of course, this is just my $0.02, and I’m too broke to give that. . .

**this was written in one sitting, and is intended to be one conscious stream of thought. . .i’m sure it’s disorganized, and clustered, but the less polished, the more honest. When I start editing. . .I start changing. Please forgive glaring errors as they are not intentional.

* Here, the term “church” is specifically referring to the building, not the Biblical “Church of Christ” or body of Christ.

The fire that rages

2006-10-06T13:55:00.000-05:00

The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire. . .

Is apparently still raging. My house is approximately 6 miles from "ground zero" (it completely disgusts me that we are calling this ground zero. . .), and we are the last sub-division to have not been evacuated.

Living at home is fun. . .

Burn. . . Burn

I want to be a Berean

2006-10-05T22:22:00.000-05:00

We’ve all been there. We’ve all played “Nancy Negative” from time to time. We’ve all stood there and made the choice to tear down an idea instead of getting behind it. I think it’s easier. It’s much easier to point out the perceived wrongs, short-comings, areas of weakness, and “holes” in someone else’s plan.

I don’t like to wait until all the facts are in. Why wait when you can rush to a snap decision now? I have been particularly guilty of this in my personal life, but rest assured, I have managed to rush to decisions in EVERY area of my life. I believe it has cost me. I believe I have gained somewhat of a reputation for being quick to judge. In fairness, I am always willing to look at the facts on the back end of a decision, but life would be so much easier were I able to really examine a decision, and be happy with it.

My father (with an advanced degree in English) always warned me about the “naked this.” The “it” I refer to, and wish so desperately to be happy with, is not the decision, but the process in which the decision is made. Irrespective of the decision, I really want to be eager in the quest. I don’t want to be annoyed, I want to be excited, anticipatory, willing, ready, fervent . . . eager.

Acts 17:11 “NOW THE BEREANS WERE OF MORE NOBLE CHARACTER THAN THE THESSALONIANS FOR THEY RECEIVD THE MESSAGE WITH GREAT EAGERNESS AND EXAMINED THE SCRIPTURES EVERY DAY TO SEE IF WHAT PAUL SAID WAS TRUE.”

Here, the Bereans are hearing for the first time the good news of Christ. Their reaction is apparently surprising to the disciples, who specifically comment on how receptive they are to the gospel (in direct opposition to the way the Thessalonians received the news).

How amazing would my life be if I could claim to be like a Berean? I obviously am not talking about hearing the good news all over again, but what if I were able to take their attitude when I looked at any new idea?

I have always been the opposite of eager, especially with new ideas. I have spent too much time in my life arguing with new ideas simply for the sake of arguing with them. I can cite specific examples (unfortunately far too many) of times when I failed to give the “benefit of the doubt,” and even when I failed to give a good faith effort.

Many of you, especially those who know me best can attest first hand that I am not very receptive to new things, especially new ideas. I remember specifically one incident involving a “new” group at CCGF and my disdain because it wasn’t being run the way I would run it, and it wasn’t offering the teachings that I thought it should offer. I remember thinking, “Why would we teach Mexican Cooking when we could be teaching the Bible?” My immediate reaction wasn’t that of support. . .it was of contradiction. Maybe I had a jealous spirit like the Thessalonians. Maybe I just fell into the worldly trap of condescension. Irrespective of the rationale, I can’t continue to react this way to new ideas. I can’t continue to respond this way to my brothers and sisters.

I want to be described as having a “more noble character.” I want to receive messages with “great eagerness.” I certainly want to “examine the scriptures daily.”

You think it will be hard? I don’t.

Attitude adjustments are required, and habit corrections are needed, but I don’t think HARD is the word for it. I don’t think difficult is the word either. I’m not sure what the word is, but I’m ready for it. . .even if I don’t know its name.

I have to start somewhere. I have to make a conscious decision to think differently. I have to take the time to put the brakes on in my daily routines and examine my behavior, my thought processes, my “core” responses, and I have to change the way I react.

I have started the process. I have begun to make the needed adjustments, and through Christ, I will be able to see their completion. I keep reminding myself that, “He who begins a good work in [me] will see it through to completion.”

My father, has the following “test” written on his office desk in a place where only he can see it. It serves as a reminder, every time he sees it, that he should stop and examine his upcoming reaction. Since most of our reactions are actualized verbally, he asks himself:
Does it need to be said?
Does it need to be said by me?
Does it need to be said by me right now?
If he can’t answer “yes” to all of the above, he stays quiet. I think I shall begin to follow this same test. I honestly believe my “house” will be a lot quieter in the upcoming days and months.

What will it take for each of us to become Bereans? What will it take for you to live each day in the Word, and approach situations with great eagerness?

Please understand that it is clear to each of us that we are not to accept things contrary to scripture, so the “acceptance” does, of course, have it’s limits.

It’s clear Christ has called each of us to a higher standard. It’s clear through the author's apparent need to specifically recognize the Berean’s behavior that it is an attitude we should strive for.

Through prayer, we’ll all get there together.Ω

Where is Shaw when you need him?

2006-09-28T01:08:00.000-05:00

Jon Shaw would disown me as a friend right now were he here. He would look at me, and would say little more than, “dude. . ,” and then he would walk away (most likely to never speak to me again). I’m listening to Hinder’s “Lips of an angel.”

I don’t know why I’m so attracted to this brand of rock from time to time. It isn’t that “good” (at least not by my normal musical standards). It’s catchy, and the hook is just deep enough to sell one hundred million copies to high-school girls and boys all over the free world, and for some reason, I just can’t get enough of the damn song.

It’s like Nickelback’s “Photograph.” It has the same feel, the same (general) lyrical sound. . .and it has lyrics about love lost. . .unrequited love. . .whatever you want to call it.

“It’s really good to hear your voice
Saying my name, it sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words, just makes me weak.”

Maybe I’m tired of missing people. Maybe I’m just sick of so many things changing. Maybe I just want some semblance of consistency in my life right now. Maybe it’s the fact that the writer of the song is comforted by things of the past, or maybe I just like bad music.

Jon Shaw would totally disown me.

Being home still feels like vacation. I don’t feel like this is where I live yet. I mean, I know it is where I live, but it doesn’t feel like it. I know that living in my mom’s home is only temporary, and maybe that’s why it feels like such a “vacation” but I’m ready to have my own bed again. I’m ready to be among my own things. Maybe that’s just the selfish part of me.

_________

The Carolina Hurricanes are the defending Stanley Cup champions, and nobody in this town cares. I love it. That is so funny to me. This town doesn’t even really understand hockey, and they are the home of the defending champs. That must piss people from Canadia (spelling is intentional) off. . .but not nearly as much as me calling it Canadia (but that’s okay because Canadia is only good at one thing. . .and that’s leading the world at being just north of the U.S.A.).

I want to go see the Penguins play. I don’t think they’ll stand a prayer against Carolina (although apparently Carolina has taken the Florida Marlin’s approach to winning a championship: win the title and sell all the players who brought you there), but I’ll still want to see them play none-the-less.
I miss people in the “’burgh.” I hope they miss me.

Jon Shaw would totally disown me.

Leaving is a strange thing. . .

2006-09-18T02:18:00.000-05:00

Leaving is a strange thing. It’s even a strange word. Say it to yourself. Say it out loud several times. It’s kind of like “elbow.”

I have less than a week left in the greater Pittsburgh area. I am going on my seventh year here. I have had some wonderful “ups” and “downs,” and I hope my time here was very well spent, but there are times when I have my doubts.

My friends here will be the hardest thing to leave. The friends here have become like family. They’ve cared for me as one of their own, like a family member. They’ve invited me into their homes, fed me, clothed me, and loved me. They’ve truly loved me.

I can’t explain what it’s like to really be loved. To be loved with your baggage, and in some instances loved for your baggage.

Do you really know what it’s like to be loved? Seriously loved. Not just “kind of” loved, but loved all the way around. Loved when you’re at your best, but also truly loved when you’re at your worst.

I know I do. Thank you all. Thank you men of the CLC (and their wives and children), thank you clan LeCornu, thank you CCGF family, thank you so have i, thank you Kidd, thank you Shaw, Bo, Shaw Jr., (actually the entire poker clan), thank you to everyone I have forgotten. . . put your name here _______________________, because I couldn’t have made it without you.

Emerging?

2006-06-24T16:26:00.000-05:00

So you’re wondering about the address of this blog (http://gordonsemerging.blogspot.com).  Is there any significance to the title? Why yes, there is.  I’m sure that numerous posts will be dedicated to the subset of Christianity called “Post-Modernism,” but I will attempt to explain my disdain for it as briefly as I possibly can.

The entire PM movement in Christianity is centered around shifting world views, “post-Christian” schools of thought, evolving “Theological commitments,” new styles of worship, a search for a more “authentic faith,” and an attempt to reach a generation of people through “modern evangelism” who have never heard the Gospel of Christ, and who don’t want to be in “Traditional Churches.”

There are many books on the topic, and are worth your time whether you’re for PM or against it.  A few good resources are:

http://www.vintagefaith.com/

http://www.emergentvillage.com/Site/index.htm

http://www.youthspecialties.com/ (not solely “Emergent Church” based, and an overall good resource)

http://www.vintagefaith.com/longer.pdf (a teaching on the “Emerging generation”)

---------------

My problem isn’t the fact that there is a quasi-new Christian “movement” (we have one of those every three months).  My problem isn’t that we are writing book after book about PM evangelism, church in a PM world, etc.  My problem lies in the fact that post modernity doesn’t exist.  It can’t exist as a “new thing,” because it’s existed from the beginning.  We don’t have anything new to “emerge” from.

Websters:  emerge
Main Entry: emerge Pronunciation: i-'m&rjFunction: intransitive verbInflected Form(s): emerged; emerg·ingEtymology: Latin emergere, from e- + mergere to plunge -- more at MERGE1 : to become manifest2 : to rise from or as if from an enveloping fluid : come out into view3 : to rise from an obscure or inferior position or condition4 : to come into being through evolution

You can argue with me until you are blue in the face, but to suggest that Christianity, in it’s purest form, is “com[ing] into being through evolution” confounds me.  People have evolved.  “Religion” has evolved.  Cars have evolved.  Home appliances have evolved.  Christ is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow.  Truth doesn’t evolve.  Truth isn’t now becoming.  Christ isn’t now suddenly “coming out into view,” nor is He rising from an obscure or inferior position.  He is the King of Kings and Lord of Lords.  Nothing about Christ has changed, nor will it ever.

So what’s emerging here?  Kimball would have us believe the “church” is emerging.  Maybe.  I can agree to a certain extent that a new generation is “emerging,” but that’s nothing new.  All generations emerge at some point in time.  That’s redundant. To speak about an emerging generation like it’s a new concept is insane on the level of a “man who calls himself a poached egg” (C.S. Lewis).

Therefore, I’ll emerge.  I’ll emerge from my shell and talk about the things that matter.  I won’t simply bash anyone’s view, rather, I’d like to discuss them.  If you’re reading this, maybe you agree, and maybe you don’t.  I encourage you to wrestle with these things just as I am.  We’ll find the answers together.

Six years Six years

2006-06-23T17:10:00.000-05:00

Six years. Six years man. I wish I had a great story about the last 6 years of my life. The fact is, I don’t. Six years today. SIX YEARS. What’s the next six years going to hold?

My ten year high school reunion has come and gone. I missed it. Next will be my ten year college reunion. . .I’ll miss that too. It will just be as if everyone (including me) has swelled.

Sorry. . .I’m on a Gross Pointe Blank kick. . .

I miss Jennifer.

When We Lost

2006-06-22T14:27:00.000-05:00

I remember when Jim Bakker had an affair with Jessica Hahn.  I clearly recall Mr. Bakker’s PTL (Praise The Lord) ministry being torn to the ground.  Jim Bakker was what I knew of religion.  Religion, to me, was an occasional hour on an occasional Sunday (mostly holidays), and television preachers that rarely gained more than a moment of my attention as I swept past their channel on my television, while I was presumably looking for cartoons.
I was 9 years old in 1987 when the Bakker scandal broke, and almost 20 years later, that incident remains in the forefront of my mind as a moment that shaped the country’s (if not the world’s) perception of Christianity and Christians in the twentieth century.  I don’t recall a conscious decision to abstain from the practices of Christianity or to avoid It’s followers, but looking back, I think the Bakker affair certainly tainted my view of Christians, and their “religion.”
Growing up in the south, “religion” was everywhere.  Protestantism was predominant (I don’t even think I met a Catholic until I left the South), but there was no predominant denomination.   In a 10 mile stretch of road in North Carolina, one can pass Methodist, Presbyterian, Baptist, Charismatic, “Gospel,” Church of God, Assembly of God, and “Helaing” churches (an on a summer night any and all of them may be having a “revival”).  Where should an unbeliever stop?  What makes the Methodists different than the Baptists?  They all use the same Bible right?  Why so many different denominations?  Who is right?  What makes them right?  It’s so much easier to just not stop at any of them.
Let’s suppose, for argument’s sake, I did stop.  I walk up the steps, under the steeple and through the great wooden doors.  What would I find inside?  Would I be welcomed with open arms?  More often than not, I would have been greeted at the door by an elder or that Sunday’s assigned greeter, and I would take a place in the rear of the church.  Maybe I would sit where a patriarchal family normally sits, and would be asked to move, or, just made to feel guilty for the tenure of the service through only slightly muffled grunts and damning stares.  After the sermon, I could easily stand, leave the church, having met no one, and return home.  Maybe, I would be richer for the experience.  Maybe, I didn’t attend during the middle of a capital campaign or during “youth Sunday,” and I heard a compelling message.  Maybe, I didn’t over-hear a spat about the music, or the preaching, or about how things “used to be,” but that was never the case for me.  I am willing to accept that I may have been subject to “Murphy’s Law” and if it could have gone wrong, it did.  The prevailing question in my mind, Sunday after Sunday, was:  “Am I the only one experiencing this every single time I step through the doors of a church?”  It was no wonder to me that people despised Christians, and wanted no part of their ritualistic Sunday gatherings.
Church had become a social gathering—a seeming “who’s who” in the community, or at least in a specific congregation.  Church wasn’t about the love of Christ, the growth of a community, the growth of individuals, strengthening or establishing a relationship with God, but rather a collective gathering that was a break between morning coffee and doughnuts and post-service fried chicken and potato salad.  The messages were watered down so as not to offend any particular member of the congregation.  The music was bland and emotionless.  The prayers were dogmatic and lacked any real passion.  The offerings were obligatory and ridden with guilt.  The pastors had a capped smile that never faded and bordered on psychotic.  The congregations gazed off into space or read their Bibles on their own while looking at their watches as they anticipated the coming buffet style lunch in the “fellowship hall.”
Is this the “bride” Christ came to claim?
Churches split, congregations were torn, families suffered, communities turned on one another, children lost play-mates, co-workers no longer got along, best friends quit talking, and they did it all in the name of God, for their “church”.  The saddest part, as an outsider, is the reasons that “churches” needed to split.  I have been told that the two largest reasons congregations split is over money and music.  Someone doesn’t like the way the church is spending it’s money (usually a large contributor), and they decide their time is better spent elsewhere, so why not start another church?  After all, we’re required to go to church, so we might as well go to a church where they do things the way we think they “ought to.”  Maybe the music could be louder, or quieter, or softer, or more contemporary, or maybe we just don’t like the music director.  That’s enough reason to start a new church—isn’t it?
This can’t be the “bride” Christ came to claim.