distance

The distance between Raleigh, North Carolina, United States and Honolulu, Hawaii, United States is 4790 miles (7708 km).

i just want to sink to the bottom with you

“the ocean is big and blue,

i just want to sink to the bottom with you.”

I am currently without internet connection. That’s most likely a good thing. I have written 4 blogs this week and published none of them. I am breaking every rule I set for myself when I started this venture. I swore to myself that I would never write these in a way that they were meant to be read. I also swore that if I would sit down and write blogs as one stream of conscious thought. I would not edit them (save for a few spelling errors . . . and my grammar is always perfect anyway). I would always present these to you as they poured from me.

I feel the slight need to explain the first caveat, as of course these are written to be “read,” but there is a clear difference between sharing these thoughts and writing things that are contrived and feel practiced. I really don’t want to write these things and share these things with you as an exposure to “me” to what I’m thinking, what I’m feeling, and maybe asking for a little help from time to time.

Each time I’ve written something this week, I found myself reading and re-reading every blog making sure it was polished, making sure it “felt” perfect, and making sure it wouldn’t hurt or offend anyone that may swing by and have a “look-see.”

Apparently I have some new readers, and some return readers. My biggest issue at the moment is one new reader in particular. Anyway. . .

I am learning that things change.

I am learning that things get more and more complicated.

I am learning that “I did know something I didn’t, but it wasn’t that.”

I am also learning that “your microwave sucks.”

NJ is a long way away, but Hawaii is even further.

Pretty much anywhere that isn’t right here is too far away for me. It always has been , and it will be for a long time.

Fayetteville sucks.

I’m so frustrated right now. I’m so tired of being moments behind where I want so badly to be. I mean moments.

New York scares the hell out of me.

New Jersey scares the hell out of me too.

Hawaii scares me even more.

How can I be frightened and scared and still desire?

I am exhausted. I promise I will post this.

Ω

remembering isn't everything

"There are places I remember
All my life, though some have changed
Some forever, not for better
Some have gone, and some remain
All these places had their moments
With lovers and friends, I still recall
Some and dead and some are living
In my life, I loved them all

But of all these friends and lovers
There is none that compares to you
And these memories lose their meaning
When I think of love, as something new
Though I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life, I love you more"

JL/PM


Sometimes, remembering things is the hardest part. There are so many odd things I remember. I remember conversations and I really remember things about she. Conversations that we had, and the one argument . .

My heart aches for she. My heart truly aches.

Ω

help?!?

"It's been a while, since I could hold my head up high
It's been a while since I first saw you.
It's been a while since I could stand on my own two feet again.
It's been a while since I could call you.
And every thing I can't remember,
As messed up as it all may seem,
and consequences that are rendered,
I've stretched myself beyond my means.

It's been a while since I can say I wasn't addicted
It's been a while since I can say I loved myself as well,
It's been a while since I've gone and messed things up just like I always do,
It's been a while, but all that sh*t seems to disappear when I'm with you . . .

. . .why I must I feel this way?
just make this go away,
just one more peaceful day . . .

. . . it's been a while since I could look at myself straight
it's been a while since I said I'm sorry
it's been a while since I've seen the way the candles light your face
it's been a while, but I can still remember just the way you taste."

She called tonight.

Awesome. My worst fears were confirmed. My heart aches for her.

If you pray, please pray for me and please pray for she.

Ω

Graduation

So, I thought I would post a few pictures from this past week's graduation.

The first picture is of my father, David placing my hood on me.








The second is of my mother and me after the ceremony.





















The third is of me in front of the Tom Folwell Memorial Fountain.

More to come at a later time. I'm exhausted.




If you click on the link of this blog's title, you can actually watch the whole ceremony. I am the 11th person to graduate. It's about an hour in.

I miss you guys,


Ω

"Remember your lesson . . ."

"'Say your lesson, Jake, son of Elmer, and be true.'
'I do not aim with my hand; he who aims with his hand
has forgotten the face of his father. I aim with my eye.
I do not shoot with my hand; he who shoots with his hand
has forgotten the face of his father. I shoot with my mind.
I do not kill with my gun; he who kills with his gun has
forgotten the face of his father. I kill with my heart.'
'Kill these.'"

Can anyone actually name the book that's from? I would actually be impressed. Like actually impressed.

So "Kidders" gets here tomorrow morning, and I'm psyched! I can't wait. I'm almost as excited about kidders arrival as my graduation. I really miss the Kidd. I miss his wife Leah too, but I miss the Kidd more.

This is is a short one. Sorry to the faithful. I just loved that quote. I need a "lesson" like that.

I hope everyone is firggin' awesome.

And I'm out,

Ω

"On the dashes"

So I ran into an old buddy tonight. When I say "old buddy"I mean someone with whom I was once acquainted. I asked him how he was doing and he responded by saying he was, "just trying to live life on the dashes." I chuckled like I got it, and I didn't.

I thought about it for a few minutes and realized I had to know what he meant. I sought him out and asked, "What do you mean, 'on the dashes?'" He told me that it meant the dashes on his tombstone. Between his birth date and his death date. He was just trying to live, "on the dashes."

I was crushed. I wasn't crushed because I felt he had a defeatist attitude or because he was just "phoning it in." I was crushed because I knew exactly what he meant. I have mulled it over for hours now and I realize that I have a tenancy to live the very same way.

I'm reminding myself to step out, live it up. You only get to ride this roller coaster one time.

be good,

Ω

such is life

Tonight as I opened my copy of "A Christmas Story," I realized that the closing mechanism is near complete failure to the point of falling off. I can only assume it is from overuse. Aside from being one of the best movies of all time, it is one of two "Christmas" movies I watch at any given point throughout the year ("Eddie, I couldn't be any more surprised if I woke up with my head sewn to the carpet"). For some strange reason, it is very comforting to me to watch this movie in the middle of the summer (both of them actually).

I've made two posts in the past week (after taking more than MONTHS off) and your response has been overwhelming. I've had so many e-mails and comments (I only published one as the rest were kind of personal), and each one is very meaningful.

I must admit that I wrote again simply to get things off of my chest and I didn't really think you guys still checked this. It's flattering and it makes me sad to think I have done such a horrible job of keeping up with each of you.

A few updates: 1) Friday night, I will graduate from Campbell University with my Masters Degree in Business Administration (with concentrations in management and finance), 2) I still have the same job, but that's apt to change at any moment, and 3) I'm still single (thankfully).

I fear that I will fall into the trap of writing this so that it will be "read." While that is a good thing, I've spent my entire life shielding my soul from others using humor and sarcasm, and I need to be as open as possible. It's cathartic for me to get things off of my chest in this forum, and I need to keep that openness and honesty with myself . . . also with each of you.

J-Kidd is flying in from Pittsburgh on Friday, and Shaw was in this past weekend. That's all the Christmas presents I could ever ask for. Seeing these guys has been like water for a thirsty soul. It was wonderful to see Shaw and I can't wait to see Kidd. Truly.

I hate people who always insist on using "internet abbreviations." U kno the p33ps i'm talkin 'bout rit3? I felt the need to get that off my chest. If you're over 18, please stop typing like this and get a lif3, "I triple-dog-dare-ya!"

I went to church yesterday for the first time in months. MONTHS. I went to LIFE: The Changing Church. They meet in Crossroads 20 movie theater in Cary. The music was . . . well pretty ok. The guy who led worship was good. I know I'm really hard on musicians, and I should try to be a little more open, but man . . . when you're doing it for GOD, is it too much to ask that you practice?

The sermon was about being alone and it struck a lot of chords deep in my soul. One of the passages of scripture was,
"We all, like sheep, have gone astray,
each of us has turned to his own way;
and the LORD has laid on him
the iniquity of us all."
I just sat there in awe. I have gone astray, and I need to get back.

"The reason why I stand/the answer lies in You/You hung to make me strong/though my praise was few/when I fall I bring Your name down/but I have found in You/a hear that bleeds forgiveness/replacing all these thoughts of painful memories/but I know You're response will always be/'I'll take you back'/'always'/'even when your fight is over'/'even when the pain is coming through'/'i'll take you back'

I can only speak with a grateful heart/as I'm pierced by the gift of Your love/I will always bring an offering/I can never thank You enough/You take me back/always."

I need this . . .

"You are my supply/my breath of life/still more awesome than I know/You are my reward/worth living for/still more than awesome than I know/All of You is more than enough for all of me/for every thirst and every need/You satisfy me/with Your love/all I have in You is more than enough."

I have to get back to basics. I simply must. If you pray for me, let that be your prayer. Please.

"I can't feel You like others around me/I don't feel like kneeling or closing my eyes/is there something wrong with my heart that I can't see?/Or do You feel love still when nobody cries?/So I'll praise You if I never feel You/and I'll love You 'cause I know You're there/and if You should choose/I'm sure I'll feel it/but feeling good is never the reason I cared./Father I praise You/because You are/Jesus I love You/because You are/Spirit I worship You/because You are/and if no one can see that Your love's moving me/I'll worship you still and forever will be/because You are."

"I keep singing skyward, it just never rains."

I miss you guys and gals. I love you all, and I'm thankful for your love for me.

because, He is,

Ω

"there's only four things running through my mind"

"How hard will it be if she is nice to me?
How bad will it get if I let her get to know me?
Should she see the willing dog or should I be the jungle cat?
And most of all my God, how does she make her eyes do that?

And I don't need another girl inside my head . . .

. . . I'm not the only one to write her letters.
That doesn't matter anyhow, the question isn't 'if,' but 'how?'

How hard will it be if she is nice to me?
How bad will it get if I let her get to know me?
Should she see the willing dog or should I be the jungle cat?
And most of all my God, how does she make her eyes do that?"

People shouldn't ever tell me things they don't want thrown back at them in times which they deem inappropriate for "them." I may have horrible ADD, and I may not be the brightest bulb in the box, but I'm not the dimmest and I have a memory like a steel trap. It's amazing the things that I remember. I remember what certain people were wearing on the day I met them (at least important people--or important to me), I remember what people drink, I remember how they order their food. Most importantly, I have a tenancy to remember what people say, and how they say it.

Telling me something like, "I'm going to fire that person," or, "we're just not compatible," and odds are, you're gonna hear it again. If you want to fire someone, and you tell me that, when I see them working for you months later, I'm gonna ask you something along the lines of, "Dude, when are you gonna fire that person?" If you tell me you aren't compatible with your significant other, and you're still dating them in a week/month/year, you're definitely going to hear about that one from me.

I had a very good friend once who told me, "I know this isn't the person God has for me. I can't see myself marrying him." Then, she proceeded to call a taxi while he slept and attempt to sneak out of the house (in Arizona) and go to the airport and fly back to Pittsburgh without any explanation. When she flew into Pittsburgh that night, they were apart, and it was, "the best decision" of her life. Now, years later, they're married. I've made a conscious decision not to speak to her ever again. I've done this because every time I see her, I see a liar. She either lied to me, lied to herself, or is lying to everyone (mainly her husband). See, I remember things.

Recently, I heard the comment, "he still isn't over his ex-, and we just aren't compatible." I'm pretty sure we also then later on in the week discussed the fact they are going out on a date tonight (Saturday night). Why say things like that and then go out with someone? Am I the last person on this planet with "balls?" Step up, be a man (or a wo-man) and take care of your business. Or, don't say shit like that. That's all I ask. Apparently, from the people I call my friends, I am asking too much. Therefore, I don't think I shall call them my friends any longer.

Is that wrong of me?

I didn't think so.

If you're reading this. Thank you.

Ω

i'm not really sure where to start with this

there isn't really much point in again apologizing for failing to write in this thing with any sort of regularity. there also isn't much point in saying that i'm going to get better at writing in this thing, because i'm not. i'm not going to get better at it at all. i don't have any direction with this post, and i don't have any idea if i'll gain any direction.
i'm frustrated.
i'm a little hurt.
i'm a dismayed.
i'm conflated.
i'm misunderstood.
i honestly have to wonder how it's humanly impossible to be this misunderstood. i hate being the nice person all the time. it's ridiculous.

i haven't been to church in months.
i haven't been playing my guitar.

i have the next two days off work and i'm excited about it. not being in that building makes me happy. i need a perminant vacation.

this time next week i will have graduated from campbell university with my masters degree in business administration.

check that one off the to-do list.

and i'm out.