i just want to sink to the bottom with you

“the ocean is big and blue,

i just want to sink to the bottom with you.”

I am currently without internet connection. That’s most likely a good thing. I have written 4 blogs this week and published none of them. I am breaking every rule I set for myself when I started this venture. I swore to myself that I would never write these in a way that they were meant to be read. I also swore that if I would sit down and write blogs as one stream of conscious thought. I would not edit them (save for a few spelling errors . . . and my grammar is always perfect anyway). I would always present these to you as they poured from me.

I feel the slight need to explain the first caveat, as of course these are written to be “read,” but there is a clear difference between sharing these thoughts and writing things that are contrived and feel practiced. I really don’t want to write these things and share these things with you as an exposure to “me” to what I’m thinking, what I’m feeling, and maybe asking for a little help from time to time.

Each time I’ve written something this week, I found myself reading and re-reading every blog making sure it was polished, making sure it “felt” perfect, and making sure it wouldn’t hurt or offend anyone that may swing by and have a “look-see.”

Apparently I have some new readers, and some return readers. My biggest issue at the moment is one new reader in particular. Anyway. . .

I am learning that things change.

I am learning that things get more and more complicated.

I am learning that “I did know something I didn’t, but it wasn’t that.”

I am also learning that “your microwave sucks.”

NJ is a long way away, but Hawaii is even further.

Pretty much anywhere that isn’t right here is too far away for me. It always has been , and it will be for a long time.

Fayetteville sucks.

I’m so frustrated right now. I’m so tired of being moments behind where I want so badly to be. I mean moments.

New York scares the hell out of me.

New Jersey scares the hell out of me too.

Hawaii scares me even more.

How can I be frightened and scared and still desire?

I am exhausted. I promise I will post this.

Ω